Thursday, October 4, 2018

I Will Get Up


I'll be standing on stage on Monday, October 8th to share my story via an essay I wrote, for the This Is My Brave The Show Boise. Though, I've been public about my story for awhile now, this will be the first time I will share my journey in front of a live audience. To say that I am completely freaked out about it, is an understatement! As we get closer to the show, I have done some press and written about one of my sexual assaults. All of this has brought forward so many memories and past trauma triggers that it has been a bit overwhelming. I started Behind Her Smile because I want to put a face to what living with mental illness looks like. It looks like all of us. Being someone who is high functioning with mental illness can be deceiving. I thought I'd explain how one of my days, especially recently, really looks like. 

A Day In the Life: Wednesday October 3, 2018

7:00 Alarm goes off
7:30 2nd alarm goes off
8:00 3rd alarm goes off
8:30 4th alarm goes off
9:00 5th alarm goes off...cats and dogs pacing. Fortunately, my daughter is with her dad so I don't need to wake up to get her off to school. Motivation to actually get up is at negative zero. 
10:00 Wake up. Let dogs out and begin the process of feeding everyone. I don't feel like going for a hike this morning, so no getting out of the house to get my day going. 
11:30 Make myself breakfast and take supplements. No shower. No makeup. Hair in a ponytail and yoga pants all day long.
12:30 Social media. Practice my essay. Cry.
3:00 Pick daughter up. Eat again. Fast food. Feeling like crap.
5:00 Drop daughter off at her dads and go home. Look at everything on my to do list and do nothing. Wonder if anyone will come to hear me speak. Think about if my mom will come, and question why it even matters to me. Consider writing a blog entry about another sexual assault, but can't bring myself to tap into those memories. Start thinking about my childhood and what I could have done differently over my life to not be where I am today. Alone. Missing my family. Cry again. 
7:30 Make dinner. Sip wine and stare at dirty floor for at least 30 minutes, but do nothing to clean it. 
8:30 Watch TV.
9:30 Fall asleep on couch.
11:30 Wake up. Go up to bed. Stare at ceiling, toss and turn because I'm now wide awake and can't stop thinking about how much I didn't get done and how much I'll have to do tomorrow to make up for it. Try and convince myself that I'm not the worst person on the planet.
2:30 Finally fall asleep.

7:00 a.m. Alarm goes off....

I fight with my depression every single day. Most days I can get ready in the morning and accomplish tasks, but many days, I can barely remember to eat. I battle my Borderline Personality Disorder because I have to force myself to KNOW that I am cared for and loved and that the world will not come crashing down at any moment. I will myself to NOT have black and white thinking. I question the days that I jump out of bed at the 7:00 a.m alarm because I don't know if I'm heading into a 3 day manic phase where the universe is MINE and I can do EVERYTHING!! I beat myself up when I can't work on my blog or my memoir because the trauma I have to remember is too triggering. This is what living with mental illness is. It's the unknown and a constant battle with your own will. 

Yesterday was rough. Today is better. I've checked items off the To Do List. I'm writing. I'm eating. I have plans to get out of the house and even the rain isn't giving me an excuse to hunker down and retreat into my cave. Tomorrow is unknown. However, what I do know is that I will do the best I can and no matter what, I will wake up. I will get up. I will do something. Even if it means I find myself crying, because I finally know how to soothe myself. THAT's a win in my book. 


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