Monday, September 24, 2018

From Here We Begin Again

It's been a minute since I've posted. I've been trying to figure out why it's taken me so long. It's not like I don't have a lot to say! Then, I realized, it's because I have so much to say. So much has been processed over the past year. I've been focusing on finding my center and in doing so, I've spent the past year going back over the past, my childhood, my trauma and how I want to view and live with myself in spite of it all. In two weeks, I will be speaking publicly, in front of a live audience, about my story. I've written about my journey, but it's taken me this long to get to the place where I feel like I can stand in front of an audience of both friends and strangers and tell my story without shame or sadness. I've developed a confidence I always knew was there, but hadn't completely tapped into yet. I've learned that it's ok to live with the consequences of past choices and/or experiences without feeling an overwhelming sense of guilt and regret. Most importantly I've learned that my mental illness does not define who I am and the trauma I have experienced does not determine who I am as a person. Every scar tells a story and ultimately serves a purpose. For me, that purpose is to have a voice for anyone that may find sanctuary in my journey.

I've also refocused myself to finish my memoir. I started this blog to serve as a platform for that. As I emptied the "stories" of my past into the inter web, I've been able to formulate a manuscript that is, for now, complicated and messy. My goal is to clean it up over the next few months. I want to add content that will ultimately find a home in a book that I hope pays homage to this beautiful, broken life of mine. With that said, "hello!". From here, we begin again.

My oldest daughter recently had her first child. I find myself an excited grandma to a beautiful baby boy. Watching her go through the experience of pregnancy and child birth has been a bittersweet pill. In most every way I have felt proud and honored; thrilled to be a part of something so amazing with my daughter. However, there have been moments where I have found myself sad and sometimes angry. Angry, because my love for her is so intense that I am constantly reminded of what I am missing with my own mother. Sad, because while pregnant with her, I experienced so much trauma that I know has had a long lasting affect on her as a woman. I worry that the things I have done to her will affect her as a mom. She is so much stronger than I ever was and she has the support and love from an amazing husband, family and friends. She faces her fears directly and meets each challenge with determination and courage. Her courage inspires me. I remember so many of the things we went through together, alone. As a single mom, I navigated life as best I could. I look back now and recognize how lucky I was to have her. She grounded me so much. It's as if her "old soul" was a piece of heaven on earth to guide me through so much pain, so much fogginess. I can't change her experiences, but I can be there now to continue to take accountability for how my actions affected her and to show her how much I've grown. Most importantly, I am there with unconditional love for her.

As we continue on this journey, I look forward to sharing more stories about our time, literally growing up together. Until the next time; love on your children. They are your teachers and your angels, and deserve nothing less than your ultimate best.

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