Monday, May 29, 2017

Your'e Alive, but it's Memorial Day Anyway

Memorial Day has a different meaning for everyone, whether it's remembering those who gave their life for this country or a loved one that's passed too soon. For me, it's both of these things. I honor everyone that has served this country and lost their life in doing so. I also honor my grandparents who had their own story and history that make me proud of who I am and what I can pass down to my children for generations to come. Yet, it also means accepting that sometimes you have to let go of someone important because the toxicity of the relationship is so damaging that you literally are unable to live a happy life with them in it.

I think of this when I think of my mother. For years we battled with this love/hate relationship. We struggled with trust issues, betrayal, and resentment. However, there were also good times when I would talk to her everyday just to catch up on what was going on in our lives, when she supported me through some of the hardest times I've ever been through, and when we seemed to linger in times of forgiveness. Yet, beneath these moments, there was always something dark and unforgiving. Maybe I never truly forgave her for the abuse she caused me as a child. Maybe I couldn't trust her for the emotional distress she continued to cause me as adult, or maybe I just never felt completely and unconditionally loved by her. My opinion is that I reminded her of the demons in her past and she could never quite move beyond that, or maybe I just reminded her of herself and that pain was too much to bear.

Regardless, I haven't spoken to her for years and I doubt that I ever will again. You hear the term, "they are dead to me", and might think that one is being dramatic. Sometimes, though, it is literally a feeling that you know will never change. I wish her well in life. I truly do, but I know that whatever we may have had, will not come to fruition again. I miss her in certain moments when those good memories still mean something, but then I remember that her abandonment of me, both emotionally and physically, precipitated immense feelings of low self worth.

I've moved beyond the blame game, but I can't move beyond the knowledge that I am better off without her in my life. So today, I think of all those we've lost in our lives, including those who are still out there somewhere, but in essence, have moved on to someplace they can never return from. Memorial Day means many things. For those that live in this place of limbo between someone actually dying and the feeling as if they truly have, I honor you. More importantly I urge you to forgive yourself for saying goodbye, because sometimes there is just no other choice.



Friday, May 5, 2017

AM I ALONE OR LONELY?

Here I am again! It's been a few months since I wrote. No excuses. Just life. My daughter moved back home with her husband and I've been spending quite a bit of time with her. I'm still navigating life without a husband. Seems strange because it's been 4 years, but there are still moments when we are so close that I wonder why we got divorced in the first place. Then there are moments when I realize exactly the reasons why. I don't feel alone. In fact, I love being alone and independent. I love decorating my house the way I want. Doing what I'm passionate about without feeling guilty that he has to work so hard. Having my own money and buying what I want, when I want, even if it means I'm broke at the end of the month. Making my own choices, whether they are right or wrong gives me  the chance to learn for myself, rather than worry about how my choices are going to effect him. Of course, I still have my daughter to consider, but it's easier for me to make positive decisions for just the two of us. Funny how it takes minus one to drastically change things. 

Being alone and being lonely are two very different things. I do get lonely. I miss having someone to do something with at the spur of the moment. I see an event and I think of how much fun we could have had at that. Then I have the after thought of how I wish I had the friends I used to have. Some days, I wish I just had friends. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of acquaintances and people I could call on to do something with. People I've met through organizations, networking events or social media. For me, it's very hard to reach out to someone new. I worry about how I will navigate my past, present and future through a new friendship. Maybe I just miss being younger, even with all of the drama because at least I wasn't lonely. 

Then there are the friends I have reached out to. The "good" friends, the friends who stood by me through everything, the friends who I thought would always be there. Doesn't work that way. At least that's been my experience. Even when I've told them that I need them, nothing. I get that people are busy. I get busy too. Then I see them doing this or that with other friends here or there, be it on social media or even in person. 

So, yes. I'm alone and I love it,  but I do get lonely. 

GOALS: 
1. Reach out to acquaintances and make them my friends. 
2. Join new groups to find new friends with people I have similar interests with. 
3. Stop being scared to be me. The real me. 
4. Continue to fall in love with myself, but don't rule out the possibilities that may or may not exist. 
5. Try to reach out to those people you lost from your past one more time. 

The worst that can happen is rejection. Frankly, rejection isn't really a bad thing, because if they aren't interested in what I have to offer them, then they don't deserve to know the real me. At the end of the day, that girl is pretty awesome. 




My next post is going to be my thoughts on the new Netflix show "13 Reasons Why". It may surprise you what I think. I surprised myself! Stay tuned. 

"Strive to have friends, for life without friends is like life on a desert island."