Saturday, September 10, 2016

There's No Crying in an Oak Grove

Wow! I can't believe summer is over. The past few months have been a blur of emotions; joy, sadness, anger and fear. Through it all, I have done my best to try and learn from every experience and to work through my emotions to find the most authentic me.

Today is uniquely significant because my ex-husband got married. I thought I would have a lot more emotion about it, but as it turns out, I'm feeling good and surprisingly confident. That's not to say that I haven't battled some demons the past few months as we moved closer to this date. He and I have a convoluted relationship. At the core, we are close friends flailing about like oil and water. There is a pronounced chemical attraction between us, but the place between friends and passion is one big chaotic mess. It has taken me some time to see that he is, in fact, not good for me. He still blames me for the end of our relationship and, to be fair, I played a huge part in its demise. However, he also holds his own part in our destruction. I don't think he will ever truly acknowledge that.

What I thought was love, was probably more of a dependance on his presence in my life. He represented a certain amount of security and safety for me. I leaned on him for so long to take care of me. Yet, what I've discovered is I can finally take care of myself! The more I have fallen in love with the woman I truly am, the more I realize that I deserve so much better than he could or ever did provide me. I've learned broken people attract other broken people and he is still broken. When one person begins to grow, it becomes harder for the other one to stay in the game because they haven't yet found themselves. Right now he has what he needs, and for the most part, he is very happy. That is all I could ever want for him. Just as I know that is all he wants for me.

At the end of the day, I know I have turned my life around, so that my integrity is my highest priority. I strive to be honest about everything in my life, from the times I fall down to the times I am soaring. Sometimes, I know my honesty is more than some can handle. However, I'm not here to make anyone else feel good about themselves. I can only be the best me I can be. That's why, when I found myself surprised today that I had little to no emotion about a day that I thought could break me, I realize that it wasn't him that I wanted. I created an idea of him because I was just scared. Scared of standing on my own. But, guess what?? Somehow, without even realizing it, I worked through that fear. I don't need him or anyone else to help define who I am. I don't have to be scared when someone brings  up my past. I don't have to lose myself because I want to please someone else. Most importantly, I know that as I grow closer to truly loving myself, the right person will come into my life. Someone who doesn't lie, cheat or pretend to be something they aren't. Better yet, even if that someone never arrives, I am on my way to creating a pretty incredible life for me and my family.

So, today, is actually "Day 1" of the Year of Me! No more worrying about how I can be someone else in order to make a man, who doesn't deserve me, see me in a different light. As my daughter told me today, he's someone else's problem now! So today is just another beginning.

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