Saturday, September 10, 2016
Today is uniquely significant because my ex-husband got married. I thought I would have a lot more emotion about it, but as it turns out, I'm feeling good and surprisingly confident. That's not to say that I haven't battled some demons the past few months as we moved closer to this date. He and I have a convoluted relationship. At the core, we are close friends flailing about like oil and water. There is a pronounced chemical attraction between us, but the place between friends and passion is one big chaotic mess. It has taken me some time to see that he is, in fact, not good for me. He still blames me for the end of our relationship and, to be fair, I played a huge part in its demise. However, he also holds his own part in our destruction. I don't think he will ever truly acknowledge that.
At the end of the day, I know I have turned my life around, so that my integrity is my highest priority. I strive to be honest about everything in my life, from the times I fall down to the times I am soaring. Sometimes, I know my honesty is more than some can handle. However, I'm not here to make anyone else feel good about themselves. I can only be the best me I can be. That's why, when I found myself surprised today that I had little to no emotion about a day that I thought could break me, I realize that it wasn't him that I wanted. I created an idea of him because I was just scared. Scared of standing on my own. But, guess what?? Somehow, without even realizing it, I worked through that fear. I don't need him or anyone else to help define who I am. I don't have to be scared when someone brings up my past. I don't have to lose myself because I want to please someone else. Most importantly, I know that as I grow closer to truly loving myself, the right person will come into my life. Someone who doesn't lie, cheat or pretend to be something they aren't. Better yet, even if that someone never arrives, I am on my way to creating a pretty incredible life for me and my family.
Posted by Sivaquoi Laughlin
Born and raised in beautiful southern Idaho. Divorced with two gorgeous daughters. Currently living in Boise's historic North End where I write, hike with my 3 dogs and spend countless hours enjoying all that this amazing city has to offer.
Presently surrounded by research, pencils, notebooks and my trusty laptop working on a narrative non-fiction novel, short stories and the occasional freelance grant. When not writing, I try to keep up and savvy on social media, posting to my blog www.behindhersmile.com and spending time with family and friends.