Monday, May 30, 2016

RED

Open letter to ....... that man:

I see red. It is not enough that you want to deny my voice in the wake of the devastation you left behind, but now you want me to protect this woman, that woman, from the one thing that could save her from a lifetime of heartache. You. 

I won't be silent because you don't want me to tell the truth about your infidelities. I won't save you from any pain when you have torn out my heart and used it as your personal weapon. I will no longer be the doormat where you wipe your feet after using me and leaving me there to burn. I will not allow you to open old wounds, watch me bleed and walk away unscathed while I shed the tears of all the years I wasted loving you.  

You will not threaten me to be silent. I am no longer scared of you or fearful of what it is you think you can do to me. I can not be intimidated or bullied to do your bidding because you say it is so. You call yourself a man, but you are the one that is insecure. You are the one that is a scared little boy. You are the one who will live the rest of your life holding on to a lie that can and will destroy you eventually. You are the one that is continually hurting those that you say you love because you believe that not telling the entire truth somehow supports your integrity. Isn't that what you told me when I "withheld the entire truth"? Wasn't it you who told me to "just quit lying", after finding out more and more about the destruction I was leaving behind. I came clean to you. I told you everything. Yet you are the hypocrite that believes that what is mandatory for me somehow doesn't apply to you. 

Most importantly, I will not allow our last night together to be something ugly. I will not allow you to deny that just 6 weeks ago, you were "on the fence", but it is my behavior that turned you away from me. My behavior as the one who knew the truth the entire time. My behavior as the one who cried herself to sleep every time you spent time with her and didn't make the time to let me show you how much has changed. The texts, the calls, the middle of the night moments of seething emotional pain that could not be stopped without watching the blood drip from my soul. My behavior. The behavior any woman would have shown had she begun to discover that she was losing the one thing she declared she was fighting for. 

You sat there with that charming smile on your face and allowed me to bend over backward for you. With those steel blue eyes begging me to forgive you without asking for the forgiveness you don't deserve. You allowed me to fight for us knowing that in 6 short weeks your feelings would change. You used my honesty and my emotions as something you could hold against me. 

2 weeks ago, you sat and watched me cry when you let me know that you chose her. You chose her. I felt my world falling apart. Yet, you pulled me in. You couldn't let me go. Like so many months before. You. Couldn't. Let. Me. Go. You asked for "one last time". In the aftermath, you say you "had a moment of weakness". Your weakness left me alone, angry, heartbroken. All of this knowing that the woman you "chose" doesn't deserve the truth from you, yet she is the one that you love with all that you have?

Now, you want me to stop talking about 2 weeks ago. 2 weeks ago. The one moment between us that I am trying to turn into something "special" in my head while my heart screams at you. SCREAMS at you. You said you wanted one last time with me. So, I say, thank you for that one last time. It was raw, emotional and passionate. It was a moment that perfectly describes the you and me that is us. Explosive. The love we shared was beautiful when good and chaotic when bad, but always tempestuous. Always a fury of emotion that neither one of us could control or ignore. 

I am ready for you to move on because you don't deserve the beauty that is me, that is I. You will know one day what you have lost, but until then, "love" the woman that you "chose". Build your life on a lie. I will remember our last time as what and who we are. I will remember it as red. 

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