Monday, May 23, 2016

I'm Crazy about Fried Pickles and Unstable in 6 inch Heels

Two posts in one day! It's a record. I'm compelled to write again because my head is a whirlwind of emotions and I need to get it out in order to process. I was emotionally held hostage today by my ex in order to promise that I would no longer send messages, or as he says, slander him, online and that I accept that the only reason he is now threatening me is because I started all of this. Ultimately, I learned that it's my fault for any of the consequences that might come my way because I told the truth. Although, I'm not sure why he is all that concerned as she thinks I'm lying about everything anyway! It's interesting how I spent so much of my life actually lying to people and causing a hellacious amount of chaos, but now that I am telling the truth, the one person who should believe me has her head so far up in the clouds, all she hears is "crazy ex-wife". I feel sorry for her really. How much must she devalue herself by accepting his word as gospel when the truth could literally set her free from embarking on a lifetime built on nothing but a lie. I tried to help. I really did. Some may not see it that way, but then those are the ones that probably prefer to live in denial than in reality. I used to be one of those someones. No more!

It's out of my hands now. Karma will find them both one day. Today, however, something did finally happen that I do feel good about. Today, he was honest with me. Some of it was hard to hear, but it was the truth and it is what I needed to hear all along, no matter how painful. He denies that I mean anything to him, yet I mean enough for him to spend 6 hours with me today blurting all of his truth, while still keeping her in the dark. See why I lived in a state of confusion with him for so long??? I am this double standard that he can control, use and twist to fit all of his purposes. Why did he have to stay here all day? He wouldn't leave. I begged him. I cried. I called in reinforcements. Why not go to her and continue his "crazy" charade? Why spend all day with me watching me process through all of the emotions that come with "breaking up" or "letting go"? I seem to be important enough to hurt, to open wounds for, to stand in the fire with. But the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with? He is never going to admit his wrongs to her. He will let her walk hand and hand into the future with him all the time knowing we all feel sorry for her. All the time knowing he has already starting building the wall that will one day crumble down around her.

I'm ready to begin the process of letting go, timidly and with great fear, but I will continue to stand in my own truth. The question he wanted answered so badly? Why did I tell her what happened? Why was I so hurt? Because, through his actions he continues to show me, even in pain, even in anger, that I mean more to him than she does because when all the cards have been played, I'm the one who finally gets the truth. I'm the one he feels safe being broken in front of.  And when you are in love with someone, wouldn't your first instinct be to hang on to that one line that might keep you connected? What wouldn't any woman do when the actions of one man have done nothing but reel her in and string her along, even during the break up song?

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