Monday, April 11, 2016

Reject Me? I Reject YOU!!!

I found a letter today as I was going through the, "I have to get this pile of paperwork taken care of" pile. It's a letter from my mom. She sent it in response to the letter that I sent her sometime after our final blow out. It was a year, almost to the day, after I was released from my "vacation". I made one final attempt to make amends. I let her know that I would be willing to go into counseling with her in order to salvage whatever relationship we had left. For me, it was a plea to salvage my "mom". A girl/woman needs her mom. I know this because I have 2 daughters. I'm not perfect. I've hurt them. However, they supported me back then and they continue to do so now. They forgive me my failings and choose to see the good, the courageous part of me, that makes their happiness my number one priority. I still fall down every now and then. I still suffer from depressive and manic moments, but they've seen the changes in me and they know I work hard every day to be the woman I'm meant to be. Sometimes, that's just getting out of bed. So, didn't I owe it to my mom to do the same??

At the time, I wrote this letter, some really great things were starting to happen for me and I felt like I was in a place to put the petty things between my mom and I aside and focus on the deeper trauma that hindered us both from accepting each other. For me, that meant counseling or some kind or mediation. I know that therapy has changed my life and I suppose I felt it could change things for us. Well, here's her response. I've retyped it because it wasn't very long. Of course, it wasn't very long...

"Gosh, my first response is don't you think I have my plate full and busy running around that? I do not have the time to sit and figure out all the events that has gone down the tubes to bring us to this wonderful place. You are obviously bothered about ##### and her wedding and my showing up as some icon you have constructed me to be. And, then you talk about your own wedding as if you had nothing to do with that debacle. Please spare me. 

As for counseling I will not bare my heart to have it speared again. I can only be rung out so many times before there is nothing left. I'm sorry you miss me. I miss a lot of people too , including #####, ######, #######, darn it! I wish all of you well and much success in the future!

I am working on boarding school healing as a result of the American Indian Holocaust and Genocide. You cannot take a culture and people and annihilate them by murder and theft and expect generations down the line to get over it. You might think about that as a piece of your puzzle. Life is long and eventually you will figure out what you need to figure. 

You can write again if you wish but I may not be here to read it. I have left instructions to have your mail filed. I have my own problems I'm working on. I hope you will do the same.


4/10/14"


 Huh. Translation:

"I don't have time to deal with you. I didn't attend your wedding and it hurt you which is your fault because you kept in contact with your step-dad. It's also your fault if it hurt your daughter that I wouldn't attend her wedding. I'm not that special, just her grandmother. Your entire marriage was a farce and you married someone you shouldn't have. I just can't even.

Counseling would just hurt me because I would have to hear how I hurt you.  It is too hard for me to accept this responsibility. I miss your family, not you so much. Although, I want you all to succeed because you really all should some day. So, get on that. 

I am Native American and struggle with the healing that generations must deal with because of what my ancestors went through. You should consider this as a piece of your own trauma, however, that isn't really an issue for me as I just don't have time to deal. 

My assistant will file any mail you might send, but I'm really busy and have my own problems, so I probably will never read it." 

Huh. 

In 4 short paragraphs, my entire life was summed up. Looking back, it's no wonder I had always been desperately wanting her. That has been her mentality with me for as long as I can remember. No time to deal with me. My feelings about things aren't important. I must take accountability, but her pain is so great, she can't. She wants me to be successful, but it will have to be without her support. Her Native American ancestry and those relationships are much more important than that with her daughter. Abandonment. Just file me away. Combine this with the physical abuse she inflicted on me, as well as her denial of any sexual abuse that I lived with for 6 years and well, I should be fucking perfect, right? Damn. 

I never wrote another "piece of mail". I got over it. I got over her. I don't miss her. I don't think about her. At least, until I find her letters or anything from our past. Then, it all comes rushing back. 


Abandonment issues. Why the hell would I have abandonment issues?

2 comments:

  1. Wow! That's quite a blog. Lo siento. You paint an empathetic picture of dysfunctional parent child relationships. I congratulate you on your valiant efforts to rise above such difficulties and create a great life for yourself and your children.

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    1. Thank you! It has been quite a journey, but it has been one that has taught me to be stronger than where I came from. My children are my greatest gifts and no matter how many times I may fall down, I will never stop showing them how important they are. I tell them all the time how they inspire me to be a better person, woman and mom. Again thank you so much! :)

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