At the time, I wrote this letter, some really great things were starting to happen for me and I felt like I was in a place to put the petty things between my mom and I aside and focus on the deeper trauma that hindered us both from accepting each other. For me, that meant counseling or some kind or mediation. I know that therapy has changed my life and I suppose I felt it could change things for us. Well, here's her response. I've retyped it because it wasn't very long. Of course, it wasn't very long...
"Gosh, my first response is don't you think I have my plate full and busy running around that? I do not have the time to sit and figure out all the events that has gone down the tubes to bring us to this wonderful place. You are obviously bothered about ##### and her wedding and my showing up as some icon you have constructed me to be. And, then you talk about your own wedding as if you had nothing to do with that debacle. Please spare me.
As for counseling I will not bare my heart to have it speared again. I can only be rung out so many times before there is nothing left. I'm sorry you miss me. I miss a lot of people too , including #####, ######, #######, darn it! I wish all of you well and much success in the future!
I am working on boarding school healing as a result of the American Indian Holocaust and Genocide. You cannot take a culture and people and annihilate them by murder and theft and expect generations down the line to get over it. You might think about that as a piece of your puzzle. Life is long and eventually you will figure out what you need to figure.
You can write again if you wish but I may not be here to read it. I have left instructions to have your mail filed. I have my own problems I'm working on. I hope you will do the same.
"I don't have time to deal with you. I didn't attend your wedding and it hurt you which is your fault because you kept in contact with your step-dad. It's also your fault if it hurt your daughter that I wouldn't attend her wedding. I'm not that special, just her grandmother. Your entire marriage was a farce and you married someone you shouldn't have. I just can't even.
Counseling would just hurt me because I would have to hear how I hurt you. It is too hard for me to accept this responsibility. I miss your family, not you so much. Although, I want you all to succeed because you really all should some day. So, get on that.
I am Native American and struggle with the healing that generations must deal with because of what my ancestors went through. You should consider this as a piece of your own trauma, however, that isn't really an issue for me as I just don't have time to deal.
My assistant will file any mail you might send, but I'm really busy and have my own problems, so I probably will never read it."
In 4 short paragraphs, my entire life was summed up. Looking back, it's no wonder I had always been desperately wanting her. That has been her mentality with me for as long as I can remember. No time to deal with me. My feelings about things aren't important. I must take accountability, but her pain is so great, she can't. She wants me to be successful, but it will have to be without her support. Her Native American ancestry and those relationships are much more important than that with her daughter. Abandonment. Just file me away. Combine this with the physical abuse she inflicted on me, as well as her denial of any sexual abuse that I lived with for 6 years and well, I should be fucking perfect, right? Damn.
I never wrote another "piece of mail". I got over it. I got over her. I don't miss her. I don't think about her. At least, until I find her letters or anything from our past. Then, it all comes rushing back.
Abandonment issues. Why the hell would I have abandonment issues?