Monday, April 11, 2016

Reject Me? I Reject YOU!!!

I found a letter today as I was going through the, "I have to get this pile of paperwork taken care of" pile. It's a letter from my mom. She sent it in response to the letter that I sent her sometime after our final blow out. It was a year, almost to the day, after I was released from my "vacation". I made one final attempt to make amends. I let her know that I would be willing to go into counseling with her in order to salvage whatever relationship we had left. For me, it was a plea to salvage my "mom". A girl/woman needs her mom. I know this because I have 2 daughters. I'm not perfect. I've hurt them. However, they supported me back then and they continue to do so now. They forgive me my failings and choose to see the good, the courageous part of me, that makes their happiness my number one priority. I still fall down every now and then. I still suffer from depressive and manic moments, but they've seen the changes in me and they know I work hard every day to be the woman I'm meant to be. Sometimes, that's just getting out of bed. So, didn't I owe it to my mom to do the same??

At the time, I wrote this letter, some really great things were starting to happen for me and I felt like I was in a place to put the petty things between my mom and I aside and focus on the deeper trauma that hindered us both from accepting each other. For me, that meant counseling or some kind or mediation. I know that therapy has changed my life and I suppose I felt it could change things for us. Well, here's her response. I've retyped it because it wasn't very long. Of course, it wasn't very long...

"Gosh, my first response is don't you think I have my plate full and busy running around that? I do not have the time to sit and figure out all the events that has gone down the tubes to bring us to this wonderful place. You are obviously bothered about ##### and her wedding and my showing up as some icon you have constructed me to be. And, then you talk about your own wedding as if you had nothing to do with that debacle. Please spare me. 

As for counseling I will not bare my heart to have it speared again. I can only be rung out so many times before there is nothing left. I'm sorry you miss me. I miss a lot of people too , including #####, ######, #######, darn it! I wish all of you well and much success in the future!

I am working on boarding school healing as a result of the American Indian Holocaust and Genocide. You cannot take a culture and people and annihilate them by murder and theft and expect generations down the line to get over it. You might think about that as a piece of your puzzle. Life is long and eventually you will figure out what you need to figure. 

You can write again if you wish but I may not be here to read it. I have left instructions to have your mail filed. I have my own problems I'm working on. I hope you will do the same.


 Huh. Translation:

"I don't have time to deal with you. I didn't attend your wedding and it hurt you which is your fault because you kept in contact with your step-dad. It's also your fault if it hurt your daughter that I wouldn't attend her wedding. I'm not that special, just her grandmother. Your entire marriage was a farce and you married someone you shouldn't have. I just can't even.

Counseling would just hurt me because I would have to hear how I hurt you.  It is too hard for me to accept this responsibility. I miss your family, not you so much. Although, I want you all to succeed because you really all should some day. So, get on that. 

I am Native American and struggle with the healing that generations must deal with because of what my ancestors went through. You should consider this as a piece of your own trauma, however, that isn't really an issue for me as I just don't have time to deal. 

My assistant will file any mail you might send, but I'm really busy and have my own problems, so I probably will never read it." 


In 4 short paragraphs, my entire life was summed up. Looking back, it's no wonder I had always been desperately wanting her. That has been her mentality with me for as long as I can remember. No time to deal with me. My feelings about things aren't important. I must take accountability, but her pain is so great, she can't. She wants me to be successful, but it will have to be without her support. Her Native American ancestry and those relationships are much more important than that with her daughter. Abandonment. Just file me away. Combine this with the physical abuse she inflicted on me, as well as her denial of any sexual abuse that I lived with for 6 years and well, I should be fucking perfect, right? Damn. 

I never wrote another "piece of mail". I got over it. I got over her. I don't miss her. I don't think about her. At least, until I find her letters or anything from our past. Then, it all comes rushing back. 

Abandonment issues. Why the hell would I have abandonment issues?

Thursday, April 7, 2016

Tomato, TomAHto, Potato....

"I'm not broken", "I'm broken", "I'm a survivor", "I'm a victim", "I have BiPolar Disorder", "I am BiPolar". There are so many different ways that those living with mental illness or trauma can define themselves. But, wait! We aren't defined by our mental illness. Or are we? We all have our own way of standing in our "truth". We all have a comfort zone as to how far we will go to let others know just how "mentally ill" we are. Here's the thing, our mental illness is a part of who we are, whether we like it or not. We aren't defined by that alone, but it is a part of us that can't be pushed to the side. 

Do I have a mental illness? Yes. Am I mentally ill? Yes. Why is one more, or less, than the other? I'll admit, I'm broken in different ways, but then again, I think everyone is. I'm a survivor, but I'm also a victim of those that have traumatically hurt me. How I choose to live with my mental illness is MY choice. How I choose to define myself is also MY choice. 

The greatest difference between those LIVING with mental illness and those STRUGGLING with mental illness is that those living with it, can be honest. Honest with themselves. 

No matter what, we have to take accountability for our choices, even if we have an excuse as to why we made them. Having a mental disorder does not negate the hurt that you may cause to those around you. It doesn't mean you can "get away with" whatever it is you are doing to hurt them. It just means YOU have someplace to start in order to get to the place in your life that brings you whatever happiness you may be striving for.

Quit defending yourself for what you've done. Quit explaining why you define yourself the way you do. Just be. Living in the past is easy. REAL courage comes when you face the future. How you do that, is up to YOU. Just remember if you continue to repeat the same process that hurt you or anyone else before, you're not really facing what's up ahead. You're accepting that you don't want to move forward at all. Does that mean, you are broken? Probably. However, you have the ability to put all those pieces back together again. 

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

How many of us have felt this way? I often think back to that moment when I wanted to die. Grace from the universe saved me that day and when I woke up from the fog, I did see the light. But, damn, I crawled, stumbled, FOUGHT, for a long, long time. To everyone out there struggling between this life and what you think is on the other side, please know that the light you can find on this earth is more amazing than anything you can even imagine. Reach out, stay strong and know that you are not alone! Love and light.

Amazing by Aerosmith

I kept the right ones out
And let the wrong ones in
Had an angel of mercy to see me through all my sins
There were times in my life
When I was goin' insane
Tryin' to walk through
The pain
When I lost my grip
And I hit the floor
Yeah, I thought I could leave, but couldn't get out the door
I was so sick and tired
Of livin' a lie
I was wishin' that I
Would die
It's amazing
With the blink of an eye, you finally see the light
It's amazing
When the moment arrives that you know you'll be alright
It's amazing
And I'm sayin' a prayer for the desperate hearts tonight
That one last shot's permanent vacation
And how high can you fly with broken wings?
Life's a journey, not a destination
And I just can't tell just what tomorrow brings
You have to learn to crawl
Before you learn to walk
But I just couldn't listen to all that righteous talk, oh yeah
I was out on the street,
Just a tryin' to survive
Scratchin' to stay alive
It's amazing
With the blink of an eye, you finally see the light
It's amazing
When the moment arrives that you know you'll be alright
Oh, it's amazing
And I'm sayin' a prayer for the desperate hearts tonight.
Desperate hearts, desperate hearts
Never said I'll do it, never
Never gonna go, never