Sunday, March 27, 2016

We left bruises on each other when we forgot to let go

Wow. It's been 4 months since my last post. In other words, I've been living in a state of fear, chaos, and confusion. Of course my life is also sprinkled with moments of clarity and happiness. I treasure those little breaths of fresh air. However, it often seems like those times are the preamble to the forging of more walls, in order to ignore the fact that I'm refusing to let go of or face something.

The epiphany finally came today. I suppose it could have taken longer, so there is that. Although, that doesn't make my reality any easier. The issue? My divorce was finalized in September of 2012. My acceptance that I, that WE, have to move on, occurred about 30 minutes ago. My ex-husband and I have a complicated relationship. We divorced mainly because of the damage that I caused in our marriage. His unconditional love for me finally shattered on the day I tried to take my life just one year before the beginning of the end of our marriage. He still loved me. He just had to  accept that he couldn't trust me, and without trust, a marriage that is already cracked, just breaks wide open. Fast forward 5 years...(Damn! It's been almost 5 years!!), and here we are. Although, divorced, we haven't really been "divorced". Our connection is very, very, strong. It's one of those, "I can't find the word." kind of attachment. We just fit. We are so different from each other, yet we fit together in a way that can be fucking amazing AND completely volatile. It's a magnetic dichotomy. No matter which way the poles face, we will end up perfectly connected or chaotically out of sync.

Our love for each other is still there. That hasn't really changed. Our chemistry is through the roof. We are best friends, incredible lovers and really great at co-parenting. Things could have gone on as they have been forever. We are both still finding ourselves, while exploring other relationships. However, something shifted recently. Perhaps, I grew stronger. Maybe, I began to focus more on my self worth. Or maybe, I am just exhausted by the secrecy surrounding our current relationship which has been anything but "typical". Regardless, the more irritable I became, the more unreasonable I found myself being. I realized I was acting in the way that I told myself I would never act for anyone. Desperate. Jealous. Afraid. Afraid of losing him. Afraid of losing us. Yet, hadn't that already happened?

He asked me this, today. "What have I done to make you so mad at me?" My answer came quickly with no hesitation. "You stopped loving me." Again, that's a bit convoluted. I know he still loves me. I know I will always be the love of his life just as he is mine. But, he may never be able to trust me again and as long as there is no trust, he will be out there in the world living his life while holding on to that part of me that he knows can't let go of him. He wants to be with someone else, yet keep me coupled with him in a "I don't want you, but I don't want anyone else to have you", kind of way. I was happy to be that for him. Thrilled in fact, because I could still keep myself in this bubble I've managed to create. But, at what cost?

I knew I was ready to let go in the moment I heard myself saying those 4 words, "you stopped loving me". A moment when I didn't feel the desperate desire to take back everything that I'd just said. When I didn't feel the ocean of tears swelling deep inside. When I heard his voice crack as we said goodbye, yet I was still able to push the disconnect button and walk away from my phone.

Yet, the final acceptance was when I sent him a text with our divorce date. A date he's been needing in order to get a passport. I've been refusing to help him track it down. Refusing to look at my copy of the divorce papers. Refusing to accept that there was an actual divorce date! Talk about denial. 9/14/2012. There it is. We are officially divorced.

It's surprising how free you can feel when you get down to the nuts and bolts as to why you have been avoiding your life. Letting go. So easy. Yet, so hard. I don't know where either of us will go from here. Today, we have allowed ourselves the dignity of moving on, moving forward with our lives. I have no doubt that it will be impossible to find the love we have for eachother with anyone else, but I do think we can love again. It will be a different kind of love. Not better or worse, just different. I can't even say that he and I won't one day find our way back to each other, both of us more healthy, more secure in who we are and what we want from a relationship.

However, right now, in this moment, I feel blessed that he helped me to love another human in a way I never thought possible given my history, my genetics, my debilitating fear of commitment. I also know that I have never been loved so passionately, so unconditionally and with an unwavering belief in me as a woman and a person. I will forever be grateful for that. I still have a lot to learn about love, both for myself and for someone else. Yet, my epiphany today, shows me that I'm that much closer to loving myself completely and without fear. That, and for the first time in my life, I walked courageously into that fire and said, I come second to no man or no woman. Most importantly, I accepted that living fearlessly means putting myself first. It's scary. No, it's terrifying, but it's worth it in the end. I'm worth it. Aren't we all?

1 comment:

  1. You're such an inspiration to so many people out there. You truly are amazing!! Thanks for the new post friend!!!

    Love you