Friday, September 25, 2015

What do I do now?

What do you do when you know you have destroyed the most intimate, special part of someone? What do you do when you know, that because of this, when they are hurt by anyone else you feel an extreme need to protect them? 

The biggest chapter in my life began on Sept 28th 2011. This is the day I tried to kill myself. I have tried in the past, but those attempts were screams for help, rather than actually wanting to die. On that day in 2011, I wanted to disappear. It’s hard to explain to someone how a person gets to the point in their life where they can’t stand to be inside of themselves. People say that suicide is selfish. To the person that wants to die, it is anything but selfish. To be selfish would be to stay in this life and continue to hurt yourself, one way or another, which in turn hurts everyone who loves you. A person who wants to die doesn’t understand love. A person who wants to die doesn’t love themselves, let alone understand why anyone else would love them. When you live beyond the suicide attempt, the pain that is now there is exponentially greater, for the people who love you, than the hurt they felt when you were destroying yourself. 

For me, it is a blessing that everything that happened after that suicide attempt taught me how to manage my emotions and, most importantly, lead me on this journey of finding myself. I am so far removed from the person that I was just 4 years ago. The reality is, however, that those that you hurt will never be able to truly see you as this person you fought to become. The pain you caused them can be triggered by an event, a comment, a gesture. As much as they want to forgive you, to trust you, it is impossible to see you as someone different than the person who caused so much heartache. They will admire your strength and your courage. They will encourage you to continue growing. They will believe in your ability to find success and to have the life that you deserve to have. Yet, they will never be able to give you back the part of themselves that unconditionally stood by you in your darkest times before you threw down the most damaging blow. 

Today I realized that I am ready to recognize, not only their pain, but my own. It’s time to really grieve the loss of the incredible people who gave me the gift of their love. For some, it was a love that many may experience just once in a lifetime. I’m ready to let them go and accept that their happiness just might involve me stepping aside to allow them to move forward without worrying about whether I am going to fall down again. Let me rephrase that. I’m not ready to accept this loss, but I’m ready to breathe through the heartache that comes along with letting go. For now, I  know I have control of my life. It is not perfect and I do have moments when  I teeter on the edge of depression or a manic tornado, but I am stronger. I have fought many of my demons and I have persevered. It’s a struggle. It will probably always be a struggle. There are still so many things I can’t do or still need to work on because mental illness leaves cracks and holes that remain damaged. However, I am strong enough to face any consequences. I am strong enough to figure out a way to make those broken pieces fit together again. I may cry a thousand tears, but I will never let myself drown again. 

I have already said I am sorry so many times to so many people, but to those that have been left in my wake, I honor you and I thank you for all of that which I could not see. My wish for you and for all is to honor yourselves without question. In return, I will do the same, whether we cross paths or not. The love that was given to me will never be forgotten.

Thursday, September 24, 2015

Pay no mind to the raving lunatic!

I'm back! I'm hopeful you had some time off, vacations, barbecues and fun times with family and friends. Our summer was so incredibly busy! I seriously can't believe we are already at the end of September. I feel like I was just getting ready for summer to begin! So much has happened, I really don't know where to begin so I'll start with the fact that I still have moments of crazy town! I know, I know. Duh! Yet, sometimes I forget that I can go from 0 (completely calm) to 60 (out of my mind angry!) in a flash. Case in point, I completely lost it with a couple of friends of another friend of mine because they seriously hurt him for no apparent reason. I am EXTREMELY loyal to my friends and super protective if they have been hurt. I don't count many people as my "closest" friends, so they become my family and nobody messes with my family! They lied and made accusations that were unfounded. It all had the ingredients of some kind of revenge. Bottom line, I'm a  woman and I know when other women are desperately grasping at straws because they have been rejected.  It just incenses me to the nth degree! The bottom line, however, is that sometimes when I look at the world or circumstances in black and white, I lose perspective. However, there are some women that do things that come off as catty and manipulative.  Oh, don't worry, I speak for myself as well. There have been times....

But, I digress. I allowed my crazy to rear its ugly head. Fortunately, I got over it pretty quickly. In the past, I would have festered on it forever until I made myself crazier and/or angrier. After this incident, I hugged it out with my friend, told him he was better than anyone who could treat him like that and then we chowed down on some pizza! Pizza (and donuts) really do make things better. Ha! PLUS, I've waited quite awhile to post this so that my perspective would be clear. Now that's a big WOW, for me. I guess, I am getting better a little at a time. I still need to control my anger a bit better. Live and learn. Like I say often to myself, one baby step at a time.

In other news, I had breakfast with my dad around mid-July. Yep. That caused a bit of anxiety on my part leading up to it, but he reached out to me and ultimately the result is that we both agreed we can work on our relationship over time. As for the rest of my family, I still don't know. I don't trust them. Not that I completely trust my dad, but he's my dad. I love him so much and even though he has his faults, of both of my parents, he is the one that has been there consistently. That means something. I think as time goes on, my step-mom and my brother can probably have some kind of familial relationship with me, however, any relationship with my sister on my dad's side is way too broken to mend. I haven't forgiven her for how she treated me or what she did intentionally to hurt my children and I. That's a tough one. I know I need to forgive and I am working on it. At the end of the day, I am living my life without toxic people so there is a weight that has been lifted off my shoulders and it feel so good!

Finally, my daughter and I went on an incredible road trip down the Oregon Coast to San Francisco for 2 weeks. It was amazing and a much-needed reprieve from the stress of life.  I have also been working on my book AND I'm getting ready to launch a Nonprofit Organization. I know! I will have more details later, but I am super excited. Thus, when I say that it was a busy summer, it was a busy summer! It's not going to get much easier either as we move into Fall, but I'm ready for all life brings me with the occasional mental breakdown and spending some time hiding under a rock. I just have to remind myself that when I get overwhelmed, it's Ok to step back and regroup without beating myself up or sabotaging myself. That old record player telling me that I'm not good enough just doesn't realize that I'm moving forward.

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