Monday, May 18, 2015

Hi, my name is Sivaquoi and I'm an ex-ostrich

Driving in Washington DC and getting lost (no surprise)
Ever heard of how an ostrich sticks it's head in the sand? Theoretically, it does this when it is fearful. Well, apparently this is an urban myth. All it really does is get low to the ground. It doesn't completely check out. Such is the state of my life. I'm hovering near the ground, but as hard as I try, I just can't bury myself in the sand. Thus, I've decided my past life is an urban myth as well. Please don't mess with my delusions!

What would you do if all of your dreams started to come true? Celebrate? Cry? Expect the worst? Sabotage yourself? Maybe all of the above? So, I've been hustling along doing this writer thing for quite awhile now. I knew that one day it would be my time to shine, however, I've also known that there is no way that could ever happen. Black, white, up, down, happy, sad. As I continue to search for the grey, the middle and "I'm fine, and I really mean, I'm just fine", I've stumbled upon a wall that I've been able to break through. As terrifying as I may find some things, I don't have it in me to completely disappear from the scene. Now, I can stay low to the ground, while continuing to trudge along to whatever or wherever I choose. But, dang! It isn't easy.

I recently attended a writer's conference and low and behold, I pitched my book to an agent and she wants to see the first 3 chapters! As I've been working madly to clean those up and add/delete some of her suggestions, I've realized that I really need to clean a lot up in my life. With that said, I'm going to be making some changes. First, I need to get on top of some things. Mainly this blog! I have several projects I'm working on and they don't all fall into the same genre or what I originally started this blog for. However, it is extremely important for me to be true to my ultimate calling, which is to advocate and support those managing and living with mental health and/or trauma issues. So, I will be taking this blog in different directions. I'm going to blog about writing, my daily goings on, mental health "stuff", writing related to my memoir and so on. I really want to take all of you into my life as a whole. There are so many things that I am doing and it's important to me for all of you to see that no matter what you have been through, good things can come out of it. I have been at the lowest, darkest place that I think anyone can be and somehow I have made it to where I am now. Yes, it takes perseverance and courage, but more than that, it takes believing in yourself. I know, I know; believing in oneself when you are battling demons is nearly impossible. I've been there. Don't get me wrong, I still vacillate between knowing I can do something to thinking I am delusional for even considering such a thing. What I've learned, however, is that if you can catch those fleeting moments of hope and take just one step in the right direction, sooner or later, you will find hope in more things around and within you.

Me and my favorite (don't tell the other furry ones) pup! Honestly, though, he's the best med for my depression!

Being where I am now did not happen overnight. Just a quick synopsis:
  • childhood emotional and physical abuse
  • sexual assault and rape as a child and as an adult
  • alienation and abandonment by a parent
  • dysfunctional family environment
  • drug and alcohol abuse
  • clinical major depression, anxiety, PTSD, Bipolar 2, Borderline and Adjustment Disorder
  • involuntary placement in mental hospitals
  • destructive and reckless with money
  • bulimia and overeating
  • legal troubles---many legal troubles
  • self harm---years spent cutting
  • inability to love, trust or accept love
  • multiple attempted suicides
  • estrangement from almost all close familial relationships
  • incarceration
All of the above took a lifetime to obtain. (lucky me!) So, it will take another lifetime to move past it all. Fleeting moments of hope, right? There was a time that I thought hitting rock bottom would be the worst thing that could happen to me. I now know that spending some time in hell can actually prepare you to be the person you were meant to be. Bottom line is that I am still here for each and every one of you. I just have one request. Please help me to get to that finish line! If you can help me to do that, I will take all the power within me to make that commitment to follow through. I HATE asking for help. Don't we all? Yet, here I am. 

I'm working on developing my author platform which, for now, revolves around social media. I want my brand to be me (my name), however, I also want to be associated with Behind Her Smile as that is my advocacy platform. To do this, I have to combine the two. If you want to continue to hear from me, follow this journey I'm on and be there through the triumphs and losses, please do the following: 
  • Subscribe to this Blog!
  • Like my FB page  Behind Her Smile
  • Follow on Twitter  @sivaquoi
  • Follow on Pinterest  Sivaquoi Laughlin
  • Follow on Tumbler  sivaquoi
  • Follow on Instagram  sivaquoi
  • Follow on LinkedIn  Sivaquoi Laughlin
  • Follow on Google+  Sivaquoi Laughlin
I will soon have a website and a YouTube channel. First, I have to figure out how to do all of the above on a regular basis. It's all in the works, though, and every day is a new learning curve for me. It may take me awhile to get all to flow smoothly so please hang in there with me.
At the rodeo last summer (yep, I'm one of those girls!)

I want you all to get to know me. There is still a lot I hide "behind my smile", but there's now a lot I'm happy to share on the outside and actually feel good about it!! Much love, light and gratitude to you all. 

Oh yeah!! Please share on all of your social media too!!! <3

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