Friday, April 17, 2015

Clarity is key

It's been awhile since my last post. To be honest, I have sat and looked at this blank page many many times. I'm not exactly sure why I haven't just started typing. On the surface I have felt fine, but I am starting to realize that there has been a lot swirling around within me. Feelings about the past, the present and the future. I think the most powerful feeling I have had is the uncomfortable emotion of strength. Sounds ridiculous, right? My entire life I have battled a number of feelings of insecurities while maintaining the impression that I have it all together. Behind closed doors, I would question every decision, panic over every criticism or disagreement, hate myself for not knowing how to control my emotions and hate everyone else for not knowing how to fix me. The only times I ever felt strong were the days my daughters were born and in those moments, I believed that I could be more than any bad decision I'd ever made. 

So, that's why the past couple of months have been both exciting and terrifying cycling back and forth from one end to another on a regular basis. Talk about black and white! However, in the past week or so, I have finally started feeling a sense of calm. An acceptance, if you will, that I am ok, I can make the decisions that are right for me and at the end of the day, the only person I need approval from is me.

Damn! Writing (typing) those words makes it real. Could it be that I might actually have taken back the reigns of my life? In two months or so, I can say that I have grabbed that brass ring and let go of an immense weight that has been hanging over my shoulders.

I'm no longer angry; that deep ugly anger that roots a person in self hate. I know I still have a long way to go to forgive some of the people and the situations that I've been through, but letting go of some of that anger brings me one step closer to forgiveness every single day. 

I faced the anxiety that stops me in my tracks. The fear that has kept me isolated since I finally took control of my mental illness and learned how to manage it. I recently got on a plane, flew across the country by myself and spent a week allowing myself to explore museums, discover new things, meet new people and push myself to just be a grown up. An actual grown up! Granted, I got sick the last 3 days and couldn't attend a workshop that I wanted to. I thought that I had come down with an extreme case of shingles. Turns out it was hives. Hives! I was due to participate in a workshop focused on letting go of fear. How ironic. Possibly my body reminding me that sometimes taking baby steps isn't necessarily a bad thing. Still looking for that grey area, but it's starting to appear more possible. It's a start. 

I'm at peace with the fact that a lot of the toxicity in my life comes from my immediate family. After the Christmas fiasco, it just became very clear that the only way I would ever get approval for my life, was if I stopped expecting anyone else to give it to me. I know that I've hurt those close to me in the worst possible ways, but it's done. I can't apologize anymore. I can't accept any more accountability. I can't force anyone to really, REALLY forgive me. It is what it is. I am who I am. So, I said good-bye. I don't know if it will be forever, but if it is, I do know that I will be ok. For perhaps the first time in my life I know I AM ok. 

Finally, that dream that I've been waiting for my entire life is on the precipice of coming true! I have always wanted to be an author. I've allowed myself to sabotage this process because deep down I believed the rhetoric imbedded in my psyche. Although, I am still scared shitless, that dream is closer to becoming a reality; like a huge, beyond any wildest dreams reality! I can't say much about it yet, but all will be clear soon. In the meantime, I'll admit, it's a daily struggle to stay above the water and do what I need to do, instead of flailing around trying to drown myself. Yet, so far, so good. Another example that I'm learning how to ground myself. 

Don't get me wrong. I still have both good and bad days. I've been getting more headaches than I used to and I still have days when I can't get out of bed and days when I feel like I can move mountains. I need to exercise more and I need to establish better eating habits. I still struggle with meeting new people. I still second guess myself as a parent and I panic whenever I am triggered by something which halts me in my tracks. Overall, though, I'm managing. Managing. Who knew that with a history of chaos, all I needed in order to have the best days of my life, was the ability to manage it. So simple, yet so liberating!