Sunday, February 8, 2015

And 2014 ends...2015; could this be the year???

 So, it's mid-February and I'm almost caught up with my 2014 synopsis. As is the norm, running behind. Deadlines make me cry. However, the last 6 months of 2014 had some pretty amazeballs experiences. If I wasn't so excited about what is in store for 2015-2016, I'm pretty sure I would be rocking in a corner somewhere. However, it is only February. So, here it goes.

July 2014
-- My 44th birthday! Ick and yaaayyy! It is what it is. Pretty uneventful day, except for going to dinner with my daughter and the ex, fighting with the ex, and storming off. Basically "It's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to". And I did
-- Had to cancel plans to visit my daughter and son-in-law in North Dakota. Money is tight. Like super, super tight. So much for North Dakota in the summertime. Totally lame because I had tickets to see major Country stars at the North Dakota state fair. Bummed to miss the kids, but Brad Paisley?!?! I may have cried again.

August 2014
-- Other than my daughter's 20th birthday, I don't remember any of it. It was either a completely boring month or I was somehow traumatized and as is normal, I just blocked it out. I hate losing chunks of time. Weird and familiar.

September 2014
-- Started homeschooling again. Actually excited to get into this Learning Coach thing. Definitely more excited than the kid. Goal is to be smarter than a 6th grader. Not holding my breath.
-- DRUMROLL PLEASE ... signed a major contract to write a True Crime Memoir. Seriously, it's major. Like, really major. Definitely cried.

October 2014
-- Began research for the book. Teaching, researching, parenting, eating, sleeping. My life. Notice I didn't say exercising. Shit.
-- Halloween came and went. I did not get as many reese's peanut butter cups as I like. The kid was pretty stingy so I was forced to hit the 50% off baskets after the 31st. Several times. Don't judge.
--  Her costume was the shiz, though. That skeleton face painted thing. Mind fart again, but you know what I'm talking about.
-- Writing this book is solidifying that I can only hold so much information in my brain.

November 2014
-- More research and stress is at an all time high.
-- Pressure building to get the book done before a major national network situation. Pretty sure I'm crying every day.
--Oh, and that boyfriend thing? I am still in love (it is love, right?), but decided we both need to get our shit together if we are ever going to make this thing work. Hopeful for the possibilities and thankfully distracted.
-- Spent Thanksgiving in North Dakota with my daughters and son in law. I have not felt this kind of cold in my entire life. So cold it hurts!! Aside from my face freezing off, it was a blessing to see my oldest daughter; a wife, a business owner, an incredible woman. Surprising revelation that I must have done something right. This revelation is always a surprise to me. Who knew??
-- Note to self: no more visits in winter! This public service announcement is for everyone.

December 2014
-- I'm having another moment of; "what the hell happened?"
-- Planned to have my downstairs hardwood floors refinished so moved all of the furniture out to the garage and piled miscellaneous "decor"on every available surface.
-- THEN, bathroom toilet flooded. Seeped down to the first floor. It wasn't pretty. I mean...really. not. pretty.
-- Refinishing floors postponed, repair and restoration begins.
-- Still living with no furniture.

-- No motivation to decorate with the outside decorations, but the kid convinced me to get a tree, in our empty living room. Spent some time decorating the tree, but again distracted by 'what??' and only got the lights on.
-- Did spend a couple of weeks fundraising to help a good friend who was going to be spending the holidays homeless. It felt pretty good to use my development skills and help someone in need. Reinforced my belief that there is no room to complain about one's life when there will always be someone who has it worse than you. Doesn't stop me from whining. Did I really agree to write this book????
-- Christmas day was weird for my daughter and I. Just us two in an empty house with a half decorated tree. No husband/daddy. No daughter/sister. Just us and lots of cats and dogs. Slightly freaked out that we may become the stars of the next Grey Gardens.
-- Life is simple, brain is exploding.
-- Christmas day, after wishing my parents a Merry Christmas, received a message from the step-mom, basically writing me off due to my Blog, this Blog. After 3 years, they finally figured out that when I said I had a Blog about my history, I wasn't making it all up. Really?? *** That entire story is in a previous post. Read with caution. I was PISSED!! *** Spent the rest of the day crying. Again.
-- New Year's Eve, comfy and mellow with the little one. Bed picnic, watched the Times Square ball drop and fell asleep. Feeling old and missing my twenties more than usual, or ever.
-- Prepared for kicking 2015's ass!! And cried.

Damn! I spent A LOT of days crying. Good days and bad days. I have no idea where I am emotionally, but I know I made it through 2014 with no regrets. I learned so much about myself and what I can and can not handle. I'm scared shitless to be doing what I've always wanted to do. My fear is driving me. I'm hopeful it doesn't drive me into some kind of oblivion. So far so good.

Major themes:
* Medication does not keep me from being emotional. At all.
* Almost excepting that I am good enough.
* Fighting against my will to sabotage myself. Every. Single. Day.

Sunday, February 1, 2015

New Year...New Beginnings...New Goals = New ways to STRESS!!!

*** I originally was going to publish this on January 5th. After writing it and starting on the next 6 months, I began to have major up and down moments. It was hard to look at my failures, which pretty much obliterated any successes. My black and white thinking floored me. The past month since then, I have been trying to figure out if I can really make 2015 work the way I want it to. Every time I think I'm ready, my fear of failure (which is probably a fear of success) gets in the way. It's numbing to my creativity, motivation and organization. I literally stop everything. However, I've starting to come out of the tunnel and am doing all that I can to accept myself, yet again, as a human being that can fall down and it doesn't have to be the mark of my future. I can actually have good days and bad days and allow myself to reflect who I really am, rather than who I think everyone (I have no idea who that actually is) expects me to be. It's all an illusion, yet one that I have seared into my thinking and is definitely hard to let go of.***

January 5, 2015. I can't believe 2014 is over. I don't know whether to be happy, sad or relieved. On the one hand, 2014 was good to me in that, I finally let go of toxic relationships and I found my voice. On the other hand, I set goals, albeit amazing goals, that now have 2015 deadlines and I am completely freaking out about that. Regardless, it is time to put my big girl panties on and do what I need to do! In the meantime, and really for my benefit, here's a 2014 recap of this beautifully broken life of mine.

January 2014 
---Reconnected with a man that I met 12  years ago (not my ex-husband). Yet, someone who I have always had a strong connection with. Felt confident for the first time in a long time that I could handle a relationship and allow myself to love someone. My version of love anyway, that is weak at best.
---Signed up for a weight loss challenge and kinda, sorta started exercising.

February 2014
---Began required aftercare classes (for the 3rd time) Moral Recognition Therapy.
---Stopped thinking about the weight loss challenge and stopped weighing in. Actually, I'm not sure if I ever started.
---Spent some time with that special someone and realized that my feelings for him were very strong, yet he was definitely not in a place to actually commit his own feelings to me. Ignored all of the warning signs.

March 2014
---Decided I really need to jump back into the weight loss challenge thing and signed up for some personal training classes.
---Referred by therapist to volunteer as a Peer-to-Peer advocate for our local chapter of NAMI. Did not show up for training after having insane anxiety about how I could possibly help anyone else, when I could barely adjust to my own life. Plus, I realized that I would have to meet people face to face. Enough said.
---Began the final plans for my daughter's June wedding. Mix of excitement, fear and sadness all at the same time, all the time.
---Celebrated my other daughter's 11th birthday. How did she get so old? Am I getting old?!?!?!?
---Spent some time with my (boyfriend??) ??????????????????????

April 2014
---Stopped going to personal training. Definitely stopped weighing in. Weight loss challenge a bust!
---Traveled to Seattle-Tacoma area with said "boyfriend" to meet up with my daughter and her fiance for a long weekend. Had an amazing time, even with every reminder that I wasn't really getting what I needed out of the relationship. Once again ignored all of the warning signs .
---Went off the grid -- social media, for (1) week as a challenge to myself that I could, in fact, do it. Reconnected with the outdoors and promised myself that I wouldn't get lost online and in the social media vortex again. Oh and won tickets to go see Wicked, which was Ah-mazing!! Reminded myself how much I truly love the arts.

May 2014
---Began seeing a new therapist who specialized in EEG. Something to do with electrical activity and measuring voltage fluctuations within the neurons of the brain. Combine this with therapy and I apparently will forget all of my bad memories and live happily ever after. Sounded too good to be true, but I was game.
---Hired a math tutor for my daughter after realizing that I am not smarter than a 5th grader (possibly not even a 3rd grader)
---Finally finished my after-care program!
---Set final plans for the wedding. Mother of the Bride stress is at an all time high!!
---Spent NO time with "boyfriend". Pretty sure he isn't my boyfriend, even though he says he is.
---Local writer invites me to lunch because she wants to learn more about me. I cancel, reschedule, cancel again. I'm beginning to recognize that I may never be able to meet anyone in public again.
---My daughter arrives in town for her upcoming wedding. She is right brained and I am left brained. One can only guess how "calm" that week was.

June 2014
---WEDDING!! Amazing, beautiful and did I say, amazing?! All went smoothly, even with some minor hiccups. My experience as an event planner, back in the day, paid off big time.
---Beat myself up because I didn't follow through with that damn weight loss challenge, especially because I had to see my daughters biological father after 20 years WITH his new wife. Of course they are both athletic and in good shape. Tried to find the beauty in my curves. Not very successful, but my pride in my daughter that day helped to push the negative thoughts away.
---Had an epiphany that I needed to "re-do" my house and make it more mine. If you are guessing this was a way for me to continue avoiding social contact, you would be right. Began the process of scouring antique shops, garage sales and auctions for DIY projects. Painted one room. Made the decision that with any future painting I would hire someone. Also, immediately began questioning my plans for DIY projects.
---Became both obsessed and disgusted with Pinterest.
---Travelled to Denver with my daughter to attend Comic-Con. Had a blast and another epiphany that time with my daughter was all that I wanted and I was pretty sure I could get away with never seeing anyone else for the rest of my life. Which lead to...
---No time spent with said boyfriend. AND
---Cancelled plans with friends several times to meet for dinner, go to movies, etc. Something tells me I really need to get out of this house!

Next 6 months wrap up of 2015 to come soon!

The following themes are evident:
1. No follow through.
2. Severe anxiety in social situation
3. Relationship confusion = self esteem issues
4. Desperation to find out what the hell is really wrong with me!!

Bear in mind that my life has improved exponentially over the past couple of years. Can you imagine how I was in 2012?? Holy Shit.