Thursday, December 25, 2014

...and this is what "she" said... Merry F'ing Christmas!!

It's Christmas Day. It started out amazing. My daughter woke me up early (5:30 a.m.) and after a good cup of strong coffee, we opened presents. As sad as it was not having my oldest daughter at home, I am so proud of all she has accomplished. Plus, watching the little one open her presents and seeing the joy on her face is one of the greatest moments as a parent. Her dad came over and we opened his presents and I was again reminded of how lucky I am to have him in my life and that we are still such good friends and that our priority is and will always be our children.

And then.... I spent some time sending Merry Christmas texts to all of those that I love. One in particular to my parents, which also asked if they would be around this afternoon because we wanted to come by with their presents. Then I received this:

Step-mom: "Go re-read your Dec 20th Blog and think again if I really in good faith should be wishing you anything. But try the real truth and fond memories of all I ever did for and my REAL children (I added the capital letters, but you see that right?) and my true family know the truth."

Me: "Wow! My Blog is about my truth. There was absolutely nothing wrong with it and I especially didn't blame anyone for our broken family except myself. I know I'm the reason we don't spend holidays, all of us together, as a family. And I absolutely have the right to speak my truth and how I have been hurt as well, whether anyone in our family wants to acknowledge that. This is just one more example of how this family is hell bent on hurting me. I have fond memories of my childhood too, but I was speaking about my relationship with my brother, whether you want to accept that or not. My blog helps a lot of people that grew up with toxicity and their own mental illness and dysfunction within their family. Thanks. Thanks for being another reminder of why the holidays bring me nothing but pain. FYI, I was raped when I was 6 years old right around this time. Bet you didn't read that in my posts, but that's right. What I've done to you and this family is the worst thing possible. I get it. I should really fucking love the holidays. Enjoy your REAL children. Just remember, my dad is MY dad and he will never turn on me. I was first and no matter what he tells you, I always will be. Don't ever contact me again."

Fuck, fuck, fuck!!! I am so fucking hurt right now. All I want to do is take apart my razor and CUT, CUT, CUT. This is why I don't have contact with my family, but I bring them back in to somehow make up for what I've done to them and then THIS.

I will never, EVER, believe that Thanksgiving and Christmas are anything but SHIT. Yes, I'll put a smile on my face for my children and I'll follow our tradition of making cookies for Santa, opening new pajamas and reading 'Twas the Night Before Christmas', but I will never stop hating myself. I hope you, (step-mom) feel good about yourself. Talk to your therapist about this and maybe up your medication, because you haven't changed at all. I hope you cry when you read this. I hope you feel guilty for the rest of your life. You don't deserve my love because I am and will always be a better person than you, no matter how fucked up I am. At the end of the day, I try to see the good in anyone, even those that hurt me, until they deliver the final blow. I will NEVER let you in again.

Merry Fucking Christmas to me! I'll just be here spending the rest of the day hating myself. However, I know that I will stop crying, I know I will pull myself together and I know I will still be fucking awesome. Watch me!!