Sunday, November 2, 2014

The Future Looks Bright ...... so why am I rocking in the corner??

So, I finally have the motivation to do some personal writing. The past couple of weeks have been both amazing and frustrating. However, I've realized why I have been having a hard time focusing. October 30th was the 2 year anniversary of the day that I was incarcerated. It’s hard to believe that it’s been 2 years because in many ways, it seems like I was just released. Although, my emotions are definitely stabilized and I have no desire to act as recklessly as I did in the past, I find myself still isolating from everything and every one. It’s strange because I used to be so social and outgoing. As I’ve worked through getting to a healthy place, I know that my outgoing persona was just a mask to protect myself from dealing with those things that were too painful. Even though I know that being outgoing is a part of who I am,  I did not expect that I would flip to the complete opposite side of my personality. However, it's no surprise considering my life revolves around extremes. The frustrating part of this personality roller coaster is finding myself still struggling to find that middle ground! 

Looking back at the past 2 years, I can see how much I have changed in the sense that hurting myself and others is not on my radar. I can recognize when lying, manipulating and “faking” who I am, starts to creep back up from the internal box where I've placed all of my negative habits. Unfortunately, crawling into my cave and resisting the pull from the outside world is still very much hindering the direction that I want to go. Being a writer does make it easier to “stay inside” sort of speak, but I do know that there is an entire world out there that I need to experience. Certainly it could improve my writing to at least be inspired by all that is “out there”!

So on this crisp November day, as I go about the business of writing this Blog entry, I am making another resolution to challenge myself to be open to new and old experiences that bring me happiness. I KNOW I will survive if these experiences also bring me anxiety, fear and the immediate need to run!

Now, on to the good news!! I have recently signed a contract to write a True Crime novel. It is one of the best writing experiences that I have ever had. The genre I have always been most drawn to is non-fiction so this is right up my alley. Plus the research involved is nirvana for me. Yes, I am one of those people who could sit and pour through documents, transcripts, interviews etc., for days at a time! I am currently wrapping up the first part of the research and beginning the process of writing the prologue and the first couple of chapters. What a blessing and what a terrifying experience I find myself in. Every day, I have to repeat the affirmation, “I will not sabotage myself because I deserve this success”. Ugh... I mean.. Yaayyyy 

In addition, I am in the process of developing a Not for Profit organization focused on lifting the stigma of mental illness and building self esteem. I have always worked in non-profits and I am familiar as to how they run and what it takes to start up. I will always consider myself a writer because writing is my calling, however, using my experiences to help and inspire others is what I have always wanted to do. I have been asked to do speaking engagements and workshops so my non-profit will allow me to do this more effectively. Our mission will involve community engagement, education and support for men, women and children who struggle with mental illness and self esteem issues related to trauma or otherwise. Overextending maybe? Yes, probably. But that's just who I am whether I like it or not. Fortunately, I'm in a much better place. Can we say, hallelujah!!

Ok… so amazing things in the future. The truth? I’m scared to death!! I definitely vacillate between rocking in a corner and pulling up my big girl panties and just doing what I need to do. I already know it's gonna be a roller coaster. However, I am so grateful that  you are all on this journey with me!