Wednesday, August 20, 2014

I'm never as strong as you think I am

Its been awhile since my last post. This summer has been an especially busy one for us, however, my delay in posting has more to do with how I really feel about where I am at this stage in my life. Turning 44 had a profound effect on how I see my future and the courage I have to find to march forward. My therapist told me today that right now, today, is an opportunity for me to take charge of my life without the influence of anyone else making decisions for me. As I sat and let her words sink in, all I could say, was "I've never done that." I've been sitting with my answer since then.

It's hard to believe at times that there is a part of me that is still so vulnerable and frankly scared of taking the first step to stop feeling taken advantage of. Part of me is scared that I will fail. Part of me is scared that I will be hurt again by someone I love and part of me just doesn't believe that I have the strength needed to just let go. Yet, there is still that small, burning fire buried down deep that will not, can not, go down without a fight. I'm digging for that burn as I'm writing this. I know it's there, however finding her is more painful than anyone realizes.

I still feel that because I seem to be doing well and getting my life together, there is this perception that I've worked through my demons. It's difficult to me to reach out to others when I stop feeling "in control". This leads me to believe that the outside world thinks I'm just fine. It's a bit of a double edge sword for me. I don't know how to let those close to me know I'm feeling unstable, but then I'm hurt when something is expected of me that they think I can handle.

There is too much going on in my life to really feel secure in my own being. Some good, some bad, but all overwhelming. To be honest, my greatest accomplishment today is that I didn't cut myself. I had to promise my therapist that I wouldn't hurt myself and I don't want to break her trust. She is the best thing I have in my life right now besides my daughters. However, I thought about it all day. All day. The intensity of those urges has finally dissolved, but nothing feels really clear for me. There are too many things unanswered happening around me and I feel my voice being silenced. 

Normally I write to work through this, but I stop writing when I stop feeling as "inspiring" as I want to be. Yet, I've been told that the fragile times are also important to share. We are all human and we all fall down. As the saying goes, it's how you handle things that matters. I'm trying to handle it. I am handling it. I'm just exhausted. Tomorrow is another day to start over and that is my intention. I'm going to meditate before I go to bed. Ironically, I've been taking part in the Deepak Chopra 21 day meditation. I'm on day 10 and have missed 6 days. What does that tell you? I've got to find that fire. I feel myself starting to drown. Anyone that has battled with clinical depression knows how uncontrollable it feels to start losing a little piece of yourself as each day passes.

There is nothing that can be done, but take one day at a time and hope that tomorrow brings more clarity. Oh, and a bag of jelly bellies helps just enough to keep moving forward.