Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Hello mirror... it's me again

44 years ago today, I was born!! Today has been both amazing and disappointing. I'm taking the time to nurture myself with some much needed spa and relaxation time, so this is good. I deserve it! However, today is also a day that is bittersweet because it is from this day of birth, that I know I lost my identity; perhaps even from the womb. It's no surprise to anyone, but me it seems, that my mom should never have been allowed to pro-create. However, here we are and here I am so there is little that can be done or changed about that.

For my entire life, I have wondered if there was any time that she just reveled in me as her child; if she ever felt that overwhelming emotion that a mother feels when holding her baby for the first time. I know she didn't want me. I've heard that enough over the years, but was there a time where she regretted saying or feeling that? Given our current situation where she has completely cut herself out of my life, it is no surprise how easy it is for me to disconnect as well.

Thinking about today, I realize that other than my two daughter's, I really don't have anyone really, really close to me; a "best friend", if you will. I know how this happened, and believe me, I don't relinquish any of the blame for that. But, the part that hurts is I don't know if I will ever have that again. For all intensive purposes, I don't have a mom, my dad is around, but we have drifted apart due to past circumstances. Along those same lines, I don't speak to one of my sisters and the other sister is out of the area most of time.  And my brother and I have never been that close, except when he was much, much younger. Gratefully, I have 3 girlfriends that I count as my closest friends, yet none of them I would consider my best friend. I have so many walls built up around me that I know I'm just too scared to ever let anyone "in" again.

I don't say all of this to feel sorry for myself. It's just more of an observation on my part. I suppose it comes to mind, because for the first time in a very long time, I feel lonely. Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy my little bat cave ALOT, but I miss having that one girlfriend that I just have to talk to every day. The one that must share in every life event. The one who I can call at anytime and will show up with ice cream and wine if needed and will celebrate any of life's accomplishments. Maybe it's getting older. Maybe its just because its my birthday. But, one thing is for sure. I know I don't want to spend next year's birthday feeling so alone.