Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Hello mirror... it's me again

44 years ago today, I was born!! Today has been both amazing and disappointing. I'm taking the time to nurture myself with some much needed spa and relaxation time, so this is good. I deserve it! However, today is also a day that is bittersweet because it is from this day of birth, that I know I lost my identity; perhaps even from the womb. It's no surprise to anyone, but me it seems, that my mom should never have been allowed to pro-create. However, here we are and here I am so there is little that can be done or changed about that.

For my entire life, I have wondered if there was any time that she just reveled in me as her child; if she ever felt that overwhelming emotion that a mother feels when holding her baby for the first time. I know she didn't want me. I've heard that enough over the years, but was there a time where she regretted saying or feeling that? Given our current situation where she has completely cut herself out of my life, it is no surprise how easy it is for me to disconnect as well.

Thinking about today, I realize that other than my two daughter's, I really don't have anyone really, really close to me; a "best friend", if you will. I know how this happened, and believe me, I don't relinquish any of the blame for that. But, the part that hurts is I don't know if I will ever have that again. For all intensive purposes, I don't have a mom, my dad is around, but we have drifted apart due to past circumstances. Along those same lines, I don't speak to one of my sisters and the other sister is out of the area most of time.  And my brother and I have never been that close, except when he was much, much younger. Gratefully, I have 3 girlfriends that I count as my closest friends, yet none of them I would consider my best friend. I have so many walls built up around me that I know I'm just too scared to ever let anyone "in" again.

I don't say all of this to feel sorry for myself. It's just more of an observation on my part. I suppose it comes to mind, because for the first time in a very long time, I feel lonely. Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy my little bat cave ALOT, but I miss having that one girlfriend that I just have to talk to every day. The one that must share in every life event. The one who I can call at anytime and will show up with ice cream and wine if needed and will celebrate any of life's accomplishments. Maybe it's getting older. Maybe its just because its my birthday. But, one thing is for sure. I know I don't want to spend next year's birthday feeling so alone.


Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Sometimes I might need to cry...

It’s July  1st and I’m sitting here feeling as if I am supposed to keep all of my emotions  locked up,  specifically around certain people. I just had a discussion with a "friend" where apparently “the one having the emotions cannot see the whole picture and cannot listen to all that’s being said.” And “Your’e reacting versus listening.”  Or, am I still trying to get him to understand that my feelings are important. I’ve come too far to allow words like this to change me. Am I an emotional person? Yes. Am I a passionate person? Yes. Do I allow my emotions to speak for me sometimes? Yes. Does this mean that I can’t have conversations or that I have some malicious intent? No.

My friends wonder why I don’t like to spend time outside of my bubble…because I’m still raw in many ways. I still feel like I have to act a certain way around those who knew me “before”. I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin when I am questioned about why I want to do or say something. It feels as if I am being monitored and frankly, I’m starting to have huge trust issues towards those that say they are my “friend”. I don’t know if you can have the same friends that you have hurt in the past. They will never really ever trust you and you will always feel as if they are waiting for you to screw up again. I’d rather write. I’d rather spend time with my family. I’d rather be the woman behind the words…

At my last therapy session, I told her that I haven’t posted an entry for a long time. She asked me, why? It wasn’t until that moment, that I realized that I feel pressure to always be inspiring, to be healthy, to have “come a long way” sort of speak. She reminded me that inspiration doesn’t always come from the good days, it also comes from the bad. The old recordings inside of me tell me that I have to be perfect if I am putting myself out there. The reality is that I am far from and that’s OK.

Every day I wake up praying that this will be a day that I won’t cry, that I will stay motivated, that I will love the woman that I am. I pray that I role model in a healthy way for my daughter. I pray that I will succeed in all of the projects I’m entangled in. I pray that I won’t let anyone down. Most days, I succeed at all or most of this. Yet, there are days that I don’t. It is those days that I question every aspect of who I am, where I’m going.

I’ve been working on my memoir and it’s a tough process. I have to go back to places that I really don’t want to visit again. I have to look at a person that I don’t really know anymore. It feels like if I am not smiling and accommodating each person that I come into contact with that I am being antagonizing and defensive. What if I have a bad day? What if I’m in a bad mood? What if I just really don’t give a shit about anyone else’s feelings? What if I want to be selfish? I honestly can’t wait until I can just be pissed off around certain people and they look at me and say, “Hey, I can tell you’ve had a rough day because this isn’t like you. Is there anything I can do for you? Let me give you some time and we can talk about this later. Take care of yourself and nurture who you are so you can get out of this funk. I’m here for you if you need me, OK?” Tonight I feel like that is wishful thinking. Tomorrow may be different.

So, here I am. It’s July 1st and I’m in a funk. It will pass. I’m going to wrap my arms around the frustrated little girl inside of me and let her know that everything will be OK. It will, right? Ya… it will. For now, though, I probably need to cry.