Wow! What a year 2013 was. I can honestly say that it was the most challenging year of my life. Yet, for that reason, 2013 changed me in ways that would never have happened had I not gone through every one of those experiences and roller coaster emotions. I know I still have a long way to go, but I am in a better place than I have ever been. I still suffer from Major Depression, PTSD and Borderline Personality Disorder, but my prognosis is as positive as it can be. I have found the right medication that keeps my whirlwind of emotions in check. I have weekly therapy where we work on finding the grey areas of my life, rather than living in the black and white (I love you/I hate you) and I have released much of my childhood trauma.
With that said, I still have almost debilitating trust issues, I still have a stunted ability to put myself back into social situations, I still suffer from low self esteem and a distorted body image. However, I have NOT cut myself in several months! (Yay me!!) and I am well on my way to finding that "happy" I have been looking for. My biggest goal is to become my own best friend...which will lead to truly loving myself...which will lead to the capacity of loving someone else. I feel good about the direction I am going. Don't get me wrong. There are still good days and bad days and an awful lot of frustration that I just can't "turn on" the happy like I used to be able to. Yet, there is also a quiet peace that I no longer live in the chaotic mess of my own creation. My life is simple and complete. So, ok yes, this simplicity occasionally brings on panic attacks when I can't find the chaos that I used to be so accustomed to, but for the most part, I have learned that acceptance of simplicity is not bad. (As I write this, I can feel my chest begin to tighten just writing the word "chaos"!) deep breaths, calm down, good. Another win!! (Yay me!)
Ok, on to 2014! I have made the jump to professional writer!! Currently I have an amazing project that I just signed on contract and I have a couple smaller projects in the hopper. I plan to spend this next year as immersed in writing as possible; workshops, literary journal entries, writing groups and ALOT of reading! Reading makes any writer better. Then there is my BLOG; I've thought about starting different blogs with specific topics. For now, I am happy with where I am going with this. Who knows what the future might hold.
I have gone back to school full time. Double majoring in Communications with a PR emphasis and English with a Writing emphasis. It seems like a lot, but I absolutely LOVE learning and research. The goal is that one day I will write full time, but also promote, not only my books, but other authors as well. I ultimately want to use the platform behind (Behind Her Smile) to counsel women and children facing trauma issues and mental illness. Lots of goals...but one day at a time. First, I have to get through this semester!
Finally, I have put my health at the forefront of anything else. My daughter is getting married in June and I want to be fit and healthy by then. I am starting a 30 day clean eating program with at detox in the 3rd week and I have also registered for a local "Biggest Loser" contest. My biggest challenge will be to stay motivated. Again one day at a time...
No matter what, I am going to use 2014 to continue this positive momentum to greater peace, love and acceptance for the woman I am becoming. Today, I am beautifully 40 something and, dare I say it, potentially "happy"!
