A truth teller, scribe and manic rambler living with Depression, BPD and PTSD while picking up the pieces of my beautiful Bipolar life. My scars don't define me. It's the grace (sometimes), and gratitude (always) in which I handle my chaos that does. Welcome to my messy, amazing life!
Thursday, January 2, 2014
2014--Bring it!!
Wow! What a year 2013 was. I can honestly say that it was the most challenging year of my life. Yet, for that reason, 2013 changed me in ways that would never have happened had I not gone through every one of those experiences and roller coaster emotions. I know I still have a long way to go, but I am in a better place than I have ever been. I still suffer from Major Depression, PTSD and Borderline Personality Disorder, but my prognosis is as positive as it can be. I have found the right medication that keeps my whirlwind of emotions in check. I have weekly therapy where we work on finding the grey areas of my life, rather than living in the black and white (I love you/I hate you) and I have released much of my childhood trauma.
With that said, I still have almost debilitating trust issues, I still have a stunted ability to put myself back into social situations, I still suffer from low self esteem and a distorted body image. However, I have NOT cut myself in several months! (Yay me!!) and I am well on my way to finding that "happy" I have been looking for. My biggest goal is to become my own best friend...which will lead to truly loving myself...which will lead to the capacity of loving someone else. I feel good about the direction I am going. Don't get me wrong. There are still good days and bad days and an awful lot of frustration that I just can't "turn on" the happy like I used to be able to. Yet, there is also a quiet peace that I no longer live in the chaotic mess of my own creation. My life is simple and complete. So, ok yes, this simplicity occasionally brings on panic attacks when I can't find the chaos that I used to be so accustomed to, but for the most part, I have learned that acceptance of simplicity is not bad. (As I write this, I can feel my chest begin to tighten just writing the word "chaos"!) deep breaths, calm down, good. Another win!! (Yay me!)
Ok, on to 2014! I have made the jump to professional writer!! Currently I have an amazing project that I just signed on contract and I have a couple smaller projects in the hopper. I plan to spend this next year as immersed in writing as possible; workshops, literary journal entries, writing groups and ALOT of reading! Reading makes any writer better. Then there is my BLOG; I've thought about starting different blogs with specific topics. For now, I am happy with where I am going with this. Who knows what the future might hold.
I have gone back to school full time. Double majoring in Communications with a PR emphasis and English with a Writing emphasis. It seems like a lot, but I absolutely LOVE learning and research. The goal is that one day I will write full time, but also promote, not only my books, but other authors as well. I ultimately want to use the platform behind (Behind Her Smile) to counsel women and children facing trauma issues and mental illness. Lots of goals...but one day at a time. First, I have to get through this semester!
Finally, I have put my health at the forefront of anything else. My daughter is getting married in June and I want to be fit and healthy by then. I am starting a 30 day clean eating program with at detox in the 3rd week and I have also registered for a local "Biggest Loser" contest. My biggest challenge will be to stay motivated. Again one day at a time...
No matter what, I am going to use 2014 to continue this positive momentum to greater peace, love and acceptance for the woman I am becoming. Today, I am beautifully 40 something and, dare I say it, potentially "happy"!
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