A truth teller, scribe and manic rambler living with Depression, BPD and PTSD while picking up the pieces of my beautiful Bipolar life. My scars don't define me. It's the grace (sometimes), and gratitude (always) in which I handle my chaos that does. Welcome to my messy, amazing life!
Monday, October 21, 2013
Autumns UPS and downs...
Much has happened since I wrote last... my goal of posting on a regular basis was interrupted by life--avoidance--stress; the usual. I am back in a better place. Picking myself up and charging forward. I suppose we all get in those ruts where it feels like everything is closing in on you. I try to be positive and inspirational for those around me, but I find that every now and then, it becomes too much even for me.
I do love this time of year however! October is by far, my favorite month. The colors, the crisp weather, cozy fires, hot coffee. As a writer, it makes for perfect therapy. On the other hand, when you have had writer's block like I have had pretty consistently, it gets frustrating that I have all of the tools before me, but nothing is happening! Thus, I keep repeating the mantra...one day at a time.
Which leads me to a confession--I cut myself (damn! I hate saying that!) This time definitely tore me up a bit. It's been over 4 months since I have done it and I was so disappointed in my lack of strength, however, with some time to process the situation and some good therapy, I have forgiven myself and I march forward. The benefit, I hear from my counselor, is that I recognize what happened, I stopped myself from going further or continuing and I have the choice to NOT do it again. Its hard not to beat myself up about it, especially since my last post on this topic -- I felt so strong at that time. It's amazing how my moods can change. Depression is something I would wish on no one...
With that said, the past month has been increasingly difficult battling my depression and anxiety. I have had to adjust my medication several times and with each time, the side effects are almost worse than the illness. I am working on alternative therapies and have recommitted myself to get back on a regular exercise/walking program. I want to be able to wean myself off of medication, but again it is frustrating when my depression is so powerful that I know I HAVE to be on something or frankly, I will hurt myself. It is an ongoing struggle of what I want and what I need.
I know that there are many out there that can relate to this struggle which is why I write what I am going through. Just knowing that you are not alone, I hope, helps. Depression affects all walks of life. There is no rhyme or reason, no blueprint. I have been asked the question recently; why does one person in a family have a mental illness when no one else does? The answer?? There is no answer. I don't think anyone can really explain that. We are all made up differently, internally and externally. One person's experience, even in the same family, can be completely different. One person's chemical make-up can be completely opposite of their sibling, for example. Thus, the importance of not judging those with any type of mental illness, especially within your family. Everyone is different. Tolerance is so important. As is patience...empathy...understanding.
With that said, I am inspired to get back up and do what I do best right now. Breathe. Sometimes, that is enough.
Born and raised in beautiful southern Idaho. Divorced with two gorgeous daughters. Currently living in Boise's historic North End where I write, hike with my 3 dogs and spend countless hours enjoying all that this amazing city has to offer.
Presently surrounded by research, pencils, notebooks and my trusty laptop working on a narrative non-fiction novel, short stories and the occasional freelance grant. When not writing, I try to keep up and savvy on social media, posting to my blog www.behindhersmile.com and spending time with family and friends.