Sunday, September 1, 2013

September

It is the first day of September...Summer has passed and we now move into fall which is my favorite time of the year.  There is something about the weather changing, the leaves falling, colors turning into gorgeous oranges, yellows and browns.  Fall feels like transformation, a pre-dormant season before we hunker down for the winter preparing ourselves to blossom in the Spring.  I think about all that has happened since last September and it feels like a lifetime ago.  I am not the same person I was then.  Or perhaps this is the woman I always was but just didn't know.  I have committed myself to write daily for the next year so as to very clearly track this final part of my journey.  At some point, I will take my past, my present and my future and compile it into some kind of memoir that I hope will one day help other young men and women who may have similar circumstances.  Until then, this final lap is perhaps the most crucial.  I have stabilized myself so that I am thinking clearly.  I have taken accountability for all of the pain I have caused and I have literally paid the price and suffered the consequences of bad choices and illegal behavior.  So here I am.  Forty something.  Divorced.  Medicated.  Physically unhealthy.  Mentally raw.  Yet... finally.  Yes, finally liking myself and dare I say it... recognizing that I am beautiful, scars and all.

I went back to college this past summer semester.  It was brutal.  Not only was I reminded by my advisor how badly I screwed up from 1988-1994, but I had to challenge my ability to focus and follow through with a brutal schedule.  I happily can say, "I did it".  I am now registered for the Fall 2013 semester and attending classes.  I feel as if I am thriving back in the classroom. There is this inner desire for learning that I hadn't even realized I possessed.  No matter how much I am intimidated by my own insecurities, I literally soak up all of the knowledge that I am being given and covet it.  It was hard to get back into the habit of studying over the summer.  I still feel challenged by this, but I am finding it easier to follow through and make the time to do what I have to do.  Yet another success as far as I am concerned.

It is still a daily struggle to stay on top of my depression and not allow the "noise" around me to distract me from my goals.  Relationships with my family are still dysfunctional and in some cases non existent. I am working through intensive counseling and fighting memories and feelings that I have long buried with the intention of bringing them to the surface and re-programming them. The goal is to redirect the unhealthy triggers into something less frightening.  And I feel very alone.  I am not isolating in a self destructive kind of way.  Yet, I know I have definitely been isolating myself.  The resurgent of this blog is one of the first steps (after going back to school) that I am hoping draws me out of myself more.  I realize that my biggest issue right now is that I do not trust anyone.  I question all intentions and I purposefully steer away from anything or anyone that might draw out any kind of gullibility.

So, yes, I am a work in progress.  As we all are.  The goal.... one day at a time. No lying. No manipulating.  No stealing.  No hurting myself.  No pretending.  Find happiness.  Find self love. Learn to trust.  Learn to love.  Forgive.  Have hope, faith and courage.  And above all....breathe.