Monday, September 2, 2013

Divorce was not in the plan...

When I got married, I never thought that I would divorce.  Granted, I got married during a time in my life when marriage was probably the last thing in the world I should have been doing.  Without dredging up the past too much, I met, fell in love (at least the closest thing to what I thought was love) got married and had a baby all in the middle of a classic nervous breakdown.  Needless to say, my husband married someone who he really didn't know.  At least he didn't know how troubled I was at the time.  With that said, he was then and is now the closest thing I have to a best friend.  Our relationship is an anomaly.  He loved me wholly and unconditionally and my struggle with depression, BPD and trauma finally drove him away.  Don't get me wrong.  He is not without fault.  Two damaged people will inevitably find each other, but the depths of chaos that I would take both of us was not anything he expected.

Our divorce was not your typical divorce... we didn't want to NOT be married. The reality is that staying married would hinder me from getting better.  He couldn't help me anymore. I had to learn to help myself and the only way to do that was for him to let me go.

Borderline personality disorder has one defining symptom.  There is no grey. Everything is black or white; I either love you or I hate you.  For years, he had to deal with me fighting him, cursing him, hating him only to beg him to stay, expressing my undying love and need for him when he finally had enough.  Letting me go was the hardest and greatest gift he gave me.  Being in a relationship when you have BPD is nearly impossible until you have your emotions under control.  The extreme emotions swirl through your head changing at any given moment.  It is a feeling of being completely out of control and having no idea why.  By being out of the relationship, I can now focus on my mental health 100 percent, yet I think about what I lost often. I don't know if I will ever be able to "fall in love"again.  As emotionally passionate as I am in a relationship, I am quite disconnected outside of one.  It is hard for me in the present moment to even imagine being with anyone else.

My ex and I still spend a lot of time together as friends.  We both focus on being good parents and ironically our friendship is stronger now than it ever was.  Again, I think that is because I can "turn off" my feelings so easily.  His love was so intense, I don't know if anyone else could ever compare. Or maybe the intensity was fueled by my own delusions.  Regardless, I am blessed that he is still there to support me on this journey.  I want for him only to be happy.  It is exactly what I want for myself... yet it remains easier for me to want that for him.