Sunday, July 1, 2012

HUGE Elephant

I have been waiting to post this particular entry because, well, it will be my hardest one yet.  It is the very essence of the truth of the present and I DON'T do well with (a) the truth, (b) vulnerability, (c) having nothing left to hide....

Borderline Personality Disorder, combined with PTSD and Depression is characterized by a cocktail of very significant traits----extreme reckless behavior, disassociation and negative impulsive behavior.  As a child "cutting" was the gateway. My teenage years through my twenties involved extreme abuse of alcohol/drugs and sexual promiscuity.  By the time I hit my thirties, with marriage and family, financial recklessness kept the chaos and negative self worth thriving and now in my forties it has manifested into criminal behavior.  Last year I was convicted of two misdemeanors that originally were felony charges.  Since then I have been arrested for violating my probation and for another felony.  I am currently being investigated for other crimes that will more than likely be combined with my current felony charges and tried as some kind of "bundle" of charges if the pending investigation is turned over to the prosecutor.  In other words, I will be arrested at least one more time if the prosecutor decides to move forward with new charges AND I am definitely going to jail due to my probation violation.  (breathing very slowly right now because I feel like I am going to pass out).

The felony charges involved (2) people that I love.  The only two people (besides my immediate family) that I trusted and loved unconditionally to believe in me.  One is a parent, one is a friend.  In both instances, there was no premeditation, yet in both instances I was not only desperate with what was going on in my personal life, I was desperate to be heard without actually having to say anything.  I know they have questions as anyone would as to "why"? To my fault, I expected them to just know.

One of the other significant traits of BPD is that MOST of the time, you appear to be high functioning and seemingly "with it".  It doesn't follow you in the same way that depression or PTSD does, meaning, there are not long periods of negative behavior or responses.  In contrast, there are typically long periods of positive behavior with very "normal" responses.  This is highly confusing to family and friends of someone with BPD.  The short explanation without getting too clinical, is that it makes NO sense why "we" do what "we" do. It defies understanding and the "victims" (family/friends) are typically left shocked and confused.  Most do not know how to process it, so they do what makes the most sense....let someone else deal with it.  In my case, in these cases, that someone else is the authorities.

To explain even further.....felony (1) occurred almost a year ago.  Charges were pressed because "victim 1" believed that pressing charges was the only way to get me to "realize" what I am doing and make me "change" my behavior.  In other words, if she is punished she won't do it again. Makes sense right?  I'm smart, talented, beautiful (or so people say). Of course I am going to "learn" my lesson.  Then why did I do it again to "victim 2"???  I am sure "victim 2" thinks that by pressing charges, I won't do it again...and so on and so on.

Anyone with BPD will tell you, going to jail, losing friends and family, being judged, losing everything-----NONE of that scares us as much as coming clean, living with integrity, facing the demons and ASKING for help.  That ALONE is like stepping into a fire.  I would rather go to jail.  I have no doubt that there are many people incarcerated today who have BPD.  Jail is probably the safest place for a BP (Borderline Personality) to live with themselves.

The reason being is that BP's (Borderline Personalities) despise therapy.  Of course, therapy is the absolute best treatment for BP's.  We don't like it because we have to ASK for help and/or admit there is something wrong, we have to talk about what is wrong and most important we have to leave ourselves vulnerable for other's to actually care about us.  If they care about us, they might believe in us, love us, touch us and God forbid encourage us to love ourselves.  Jail provides very real bars to take the place of the figurative bars that we have already placed ourselves in.  It's the perfect cell. Literally.

So, you might wonder why I chose this time to "come clean".  First off, I want to get better.  Period.  Secondly, I haven't been able to afford therapy because of all of my legal bills.  And thirdly, if I am going to jail, I won't be getting the help (counseling) that I need so the only way to "treat" myself is by writing this blog.  This is my therapy.  YOU are my therapy.  YOU keep me honest.  YOU keep me on that straight path.  YOU make me fight my impulse to be reckless, to disassociate.

I don't know what is going to happen from this point forward, but what I do know is that I will keep blogging, I will post statuses on my Facebook Page (Behind Her Smile), and I will continue to ask for your love and encouragement.

As I sit here I can't get my body to stop shaking... it could be because the AC just kicked on at the coffee shop, but most likely it is because as soon as I hit "Publish" on this post, I have nothing else to hide.  For the first time in my life,    I            have             nothing           else              to             hide.  No more covering up, no more manipulating, no more pretending to APPEAR to be something I am not.

I am beautifully broken.  On these damaged wings, I fly.