Sunday, July 8, 2012

Yesterday I cut...Today I am a Skyscraper...

I cut myself for the first time yesterday since I got out of the hospital last September.  3 deep cuts along the inside to the outside of each thigh. I know how to cut myself so that I can feel the most pain with as little blood as possible.  As long as you don’t cut along an artery or vein, the blood will clot up and down each cut in thick bubbles.  This adds to the release somehow…watching the blood clot.  Sometimes I fantasize about what would happen if I cut along the artery.  How long would I be able to watch the blood flow before my mind shuts down and I pass out.  Ironically I don’t want to know what it feels like to die.  I really don't want to die.... I just want the physical pain to take away the much deeper pain that can feel like fire on my skin.

I purposefully avoided my wrists and arms this time because I was thinking that I don’t want the scars to show as I wear a lot of summer dresses. I did not have the foresight to realize that this pretty much excludes me from being able to be in a bathing suit for the remainder of the summer. Maybe subconsciously I was aware of that, however, as I have been having horrible self image thoughts.  Looking at myself in the mirror has become almost as unbearable as any of the emotional scars. 

I underestimated how I would be able to handle the realization that my parents have no interest in starting over.  They are done dealing with me.  Apparently, I have put them through so much throughout my lifetime that there are no more chances.  It is a concept that I am having trouble contending with.  “Splitting” is another common trait with BPD.  One only sees things in black and white. You are either all good or all bad.  You either love me or hate me and I either love you or hate you.  I don’t know how to just accept that my parents can love me but not want to ever have a relationship with me.  It doesn’t compute and it literally makes my mind race out of control.  I want to scream “I HATE YOU” for giving up on me, while at the same time I want to beg them to hold me, stroke my hair, tell me everything is going to be all right and that they love me.  It is an internal fight that is almost unbearable to deal with…thus the cutting.  I just want the "record player" inside of my head to stop.  The one repeating over and over just how much I do not matter... I just want to be allowed to “hate” them, to “hate” myself, to “hate” everyone. 

God, I’m scared….how am I going to handle being alone.  Who is ever going to love me again?  Is anyone going to love me?  Has anyone ever loved me?  Am I just unlovable?  If my own parents won’t talk to me, won’t involve themselves in my therapy, won’t accept that there is anything medically wrong with me, that just maybe I do have impulsive behavior that I can't control, that just maybe I didn't hurt them on purpose, then how can I expect anyone else to accept that??? Can I be cured?  Can I beat this? These are the questions that "scream" at me in the dark.  

I feel guilty for writing this Blog.  I feel guilty for being so public about everything.  I am torn about what I "think" people tell my parents about me.  Do they say I am using this illness as an excuse?  Do they doubt my diagnosis?  Am I hurting myself by being so public?  Who will hire me?  Am I hurting my children? Do I even have ANY idea what I am talking about.  How do I convince anyone that I am not "crazy", when there are days like yesterday, that I can't even convince myself...

Breathe.........So, today is a new day and I will "start" over again... I will be strong.  I will not let my illness, any illness define me or hinder me.  I. CAN. DO. THIS.

I'm a Skyscraper. Today I'm a Skyscraper.

Saturday, July 7, 2012


Forgiveness is so very important.... Today, I am challenged with my feelings of wanting to blame and "hate" others for not understanding me AND with my deep desire to not only forgive them for their inability to understand but to forgive myself for giving them a reason to abandon me when I need them the most....

Forgiveness will set the heart free.... forgiveness will heal!

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Rejoice in your "independence" today!!!!!!!!

On family

Today I am thinking of family.  Mostly because I am not able to be with mine.  Apparently there is family coming in from Texas and other parts of the State----some that I have not seen in a very long time and who I would love to be able to give a huge hug too.  Given the disconnect and trouble right now with my parents (dad and step-mom), it makes sense that I would not be invited.  I don't even know that they are going to be there. Regardless, it would be awkward for me.  It is one thing to be so honest in this particular forum, it is something else to have to look everyone in the face and try to ignore what everyone is thinking...

I come from a very large family, but have often felt alone amongst everyone.  I never formed the kind of relationships that I see with my cousins or my aunts and uncles.  I really never got that close to anyone until much later in life.  I don't exactly know why, except that I was painfully shy around my family growing up.  Looking back I can see that it probably had to do with not really knowing who I was, so forming relationships, any kind of relationship, is difficult. But more than likely it had much to do with the protective armor I kept around me.  I guarded myself and my family secrets like a fortress. Getting close to anyone in the "family" risked someone finding out and with a family as large as mine gossip spreads like wildfire.  Lord only knows what everyone really knows or thinks. 

I think that is why I have always been so brutally honest with my girls.  They know EVERYTHING about me.  They are probably the only ones (with the exception of my husband) that has known every dark, dirty secret.  In some respects this is good because it has made them very understanding of other people. They don't judge others and are very accommodating and flexible within their environment.  On the other hand, a certain level of "childhood" has been taken away from them.  As they deal and face the same issues that I am dealing with and facing, they have had to grow up much faster than their peers.  At this point in my life, however, I wouldn't change how I have chosen to raise them.  I despise secrets in families.  DESPISE!  I would much rather they see me as a human being, full of flaws and weaknesses, than someone who would never disappoint them.  

Ironically, the only two people I have never had to be anyone else but myself with is my two children.  It is the vulnerable, childlike innocence that bonds us.  The raw emotion that we allow each other to feel and experience bonds us in a way that I don't know every parent has with their children.  If they ask me something I have done in my past, I tell them the truth.  If they ask me what each of my scars mean, physical or emotional,  I tell them.  They know I struggle with keeping myself from hurting myself, but they don't judge me.  They do something that I can't give myself.  They hug me, they tell me they will not leave me alone, they just sit with me silently in the room for however long is needed.  they nurture my little girl....because they are little girls and they see me like no other can.  

I don't know how all of this will affect them long term.  I like to believe that it will make them amazing mothers, wives, friends....that they will have the kind of compassion that often gets destroyed in adulthood.  What I do know, that without my daughters, I would not be here.  And I will fight valiantly with courage to grow up to be just like them.  

So, today, I am with family.  The family that really matters.  

Monday, July 2, 2012

"Birth" day

So, I did not catch on fire and shrivel up and die from yesterdays' post.  Good.  I woke up this morning with a new sense of purpose.  Maybe it was because yesterday was so heavy.  I did not have a very good night with my husband.  The "friends" part of our amicable divorce was nowhere to be found.  He just thinks I'm nuts.  And he is hurt, confused, stressed, scared....I just don't have anything left inside of me to make HIM feel better. And, I very seriously disappointed someone that I love very much.  Of course it is about money.  Always seems to be.... she helped me out of a very bad spot and our financial situation took a nose dive so she is in a lot of trouble.  All I can do now is try and help her the best that I can and honor my promise.  She has become like this angel to me.  I have to help her, I have to do the right thing.  I HAVE to be the strength for HER.

So, I have this new purpose... to have clarity.  to have courage. to face those things that are hard. to accept that some may not be OK with my choices. to love myself anyway.  to be re-born.

Then why do I want to stay in this coffee shop and not go home....

I want to avoid what is waiting for me there.  But, I can't.  I do have a beautiful little girl that is part of this equation.  God give me strength.  All of you out there, you are more important to me now than ever.  Please do me a favor.  Share this blog.  Post it on your Facebook pages.  Share it on Twitter.  Email it to family and friends.  I want to keep trying to reach more and more people...not just my friends and family.  The response that I have gotten has been overwhelming and I think I might actually be helping people.  just maybe.  That's a good purpose.

That is the BEST "birth" day present ever.

Peace, love and light!

Sunday, July 1, 2012

HUGE Elephant

I have been waiting to post this particular entry because, well, it will be my hardest one yet.  It is the very essence of the truth of the present and I DON'T do well with (a) the truth, (b) vulnerability, (c) having nothing left to hide....

Borderline Personality Disorder, combined with PTSD and Depression is characterized by a cocktail of very significant traits----extreme reckless behavior, disassociation and negative impulsive behavior.  As a child "cutting" was the gateway. My teenage years through my twenties involved extreme abuse of alcohol/drugs and sexual promiscuity.  By the time I hit my thirties, with marriage and family, financial recklessness kept the chaos and negative self worth thriving and now in my forties it has manifested into criminal behavior.  Last year I was convicted of two misdemeanors that originally were felony charges.  Since then I have been arrested for violating my probation and for another felony.  I am currently being investigated for other crimes that will more than likely be combined with my current felony charges and tried as some kind of "bundle" of charges if the pending investigation is turned over to the prosecutor.  In other words, I will be arrested at least one more time if the prosecutor decides to move forward with new charges AND I am definitely going to jail due to my probation violation.  (breathing very slowly right now because I feel like I am going to pass out).

The felony charges involved (2) people that I love.  The only two people (besides my immediate family) that I trusted and loved unconditionally to believe in me.  One is a parent, one is a friend.  In both instances, there was no premeditation, yet in both instances I was not only desperate with what was going on in my personal life, I was desperate to be heard without actually having to say anything.  I know they have questions as anyone would as to "why"? To my fault, I expected them to just know.

One of the other significant traits of BPD is that MOST of the time, you appear to be high functioning and seemingly "with it".  It doesn't follow you in the same way that depression or PTSD does, meaning, there are not long periods of negative behavior or responses.  In contrast, there are typically long periods of positive behavior with very "normal" responses.  This is highly confusing to family and friends of someone with BPD.  The short explanation without getting too clinical, is that it makes NO sense why "we" do what "we" do. It defies understanding and the "victims" (family/friends) are typically left shocked and confused.  Most do not know how to process it, so they do what makes the most sense....let someone else deal with it.  In my case, in these cases, that someone else is the authorities.

To explain even further.....felony (1) occurred almost a year ago.  Charges were pressed because "victim 1" believed that pressing charges was the only way to get me to "realize" what I am doing and make me "change" my behavior.  In other words, if she is punished she won't do it again. Makes sense right?  I'm smart, talented, beautiful (or so people say). Of course I am going to "learn" my lesson.  Then why did I do it again to "victim 2"???  I am sure "victim 2" thinks that by pressing charges, I won't do it again...and so on and so on.

Anyone with BPD will tell you, going to jail, losing friends and family, being judged, losing everything-----NONE of that scares us as much as coming clean, living with integrity, facing the demons and ASKING for help.  That ALONE is like stepping into a fire.  I would rather go to jail.  I have no doubt that there are many people incarcerated today who have BPD.  Jail is probably the safest place for a BP (Borderline Personality) to live with themselves.

The reason being is that BP's (Borderline Personalities) despise therapy.  Of course, therapy is the absolute best treatment for BP's.  We don't like it because we have to ASK for help and/or admit there is something wrong, we have to talk about what is wrong and most important we have to leave ourselves vulnerable for other's to actually care about us.  If they care about us, they might believe in us, love us, touch us and God forbid encourage us to love ourselves.  Jail provides very real bars to take the place of the figurative bars that we have already placed ourselves in.  It's the perfect cell. Literally.

So, you might wonder why I chose this time to "come clean".  First off, I want to get better.  Period.  Secondly, I haven't been able to afford therapy because of all of my legal bills.  And thirdly, if I am going to jail, I won't be getting the help (counseling) that I need so the only way to "treat" myself is by writing this blog.  This is my therapy.  YOU are my therapy.  YOU keep me honest.  YOU keep me on that straight path.  YOU make me fight my impulse to be reckless, to disassociate.

I don't know what is going to happen from this point forward, but what I do know is that I will keep blogging, I will post statuses on my Facebook Page (Behind Her Smile), and I will continue to ask for your love and encouragement.

As I sit here I can't get my body to stop shaking... it could be because the AC just kicked on at the coffee shop, but most likely it is because as soon as I hit "Publish" on this post, I have nothing else to hide.  For the first time in my life,    I            have             nothing           else              to             hide.  No more covering up, no more manipulating, no more pretending to APPEAR to be something I am not.

I am beautifully broken.  On these damaged wings, I fly.