Tuesday, June 26, 2012

It's all out now...

So, I have come clean...mostly.  I still have to mind my p's and q's somewhat as I have a certain professional personna that I need to maintain.  Or do I?  I don't even know anymore.  I feel like my world is falling apart around me, yet, at the same time it feels liberating to be wide open and vulnerable.  It is such a relief to not have to lie anymore or to pretend.  My husband and I have agreed to divorce.  Wow...that is hard to say.  I have finally accepted the downward spiral my life is taking and that the only way I am going to be able to get better is if I face it head on.  It has become clear that I can't do this while being "married".  There are too many expectations that come with marriage.  It is impossible to be selfish in a marriage.  The instinct is to want to protect your partner at all costs.  All that does is hinder one's own personal growth, especially when one is dealing with the issues that I am dealing with.  It is impossible for me to be honest with my husband.  Not because I don't want to be but because I am incapable of being stronger than my disease right now.

With the dissolution of the "marriage", I am hopeful that I will begin to feel safe enough to face those demons.  God, I'm scared.  I have never felt so alone in my life and I have felt alone my entire life.  Go figure.  It can get worse.  Damn.

I wish I knew how to let the people around me know how much their love and support mean to me...even my husbands.  I don't know how to explain that the unconditional love hurts so much.  It makes me want to drown myself in my own tears.  I. cant. handle. it.  But from afar I am grateful, so grateful.  When this journey is over I will have to find some kind of enormous gesture to thank them all, but for now. Thank you.

Today feels like the very 1st day.  I'm not quite to the renewal stage.  Today all I want to do is cry.  And I probably will.  All day.  But for everyone that this means anything to, I will not hurt myself, I will not hurt anyone else.  I will just try and continue to breathe in and out.  Because I say this, it has to be true, right?