Friday, May 18, 2012

And you see what?

An interesting thing has happened over the past few days.... the worse that I have felt about myself the more I have heard from people telling me how courageous I am, how much they admire me and how much they believe in me.  Ironically, the more I hear it the more self doubt I automatically have.  I had a complete meltdown yesterday and could not stop crying.  All I could think about was how so many of my bad decisions had negatively affected my family---my children, my husband.  Yet, they stay; they continue to have faith in me.  I kept asking Greg, why he stayed with me.  Why, why, WHY???  The more I asked the more frustrated he became because no matter how many times and how many different ways he told me how much he loved me and how he knows that I am working as hard as I can to get "healthy", I just couldn't hear it.  It makes absolutely no sense to me.

I had a conversation with a friend from the past and she told me that she had always admired me.  Me?? It's a concept I can't wrap my brain around. Especially because I always had looked up to her.  I wanted to BE her.  She possessed everything that I felt I didn't have. Though we were friends we were not that close in high school--she was and is so pretty, so nice, so....good.  And, I, well, I was just the opposite.  At least that was how I viewed myself then, and now.  I appreciate her words so much.  And the words of so many others.  I just wish that I believed it as wholeheartedly as they do.

Between my husband, my children, my friends; you would think that getting past this mental block would be so much easier than it is.  Just when I feel like I am making progress, it is as if I have to start all over again.  Another friend reminded me that "depression lies".  Finding the truth in the lies that your mind is telling you is the challenge.  I'm working on it--every day.  A work in progress.  Today, I feel like the canvas is blank---ish.  Now I can re-write the beliefs I have about myself.  It's exciting and frightening all at the same time. But, its a start.  And today I realized that I am surrounded by AMAZING friends--near and far; old and new.  And that says something about me.

Greg said it best yesterday. When pressed to come up with a different answer than "I love you" as to why he stays with me.  He said, "you have an aura about you that I can't live without.  you draw the best out of me, the best out of everyone around you.  the more you push me away, the more you refuse to see the beauty in you, the more you make me want to be a better man. you are more powerful than you even know." Thank you, Greg...thank you friends...thank you God.