Thursday, May 17, 2012

And another day...

I wish so much that this process of Blogging about my experience was not as difficult as it is.  Just as I think I am strong enough to allow myself some vulnerability, it is as if something inside me completely shuts down.  As of late, I have had to explain myself more often that I wish to and that alone has caused me more anxiety than I can handle on most days.  Honesty and integrity is important for my recovery.  I only wish that my honesty did not include so many things that I am not proud of.  Some have described me as a “compulsive liar”.  Am I a liar or am I just protecting myself in the only way I know how? When I do tell the truth about all of the lies, I am told that I am “making excuses” or blaming “everything and anyone else but myself”.  So telling the truth is “making excuses?” At this stage of the game it often seems counterintuitive to be honest as I’m not believable anyway.  Depression and trauma are hard to explain to those that have never lived in the “dark”. I can see how it would look like I just need to pull myself together, get over it and start living up to my obligations.  Other people can do it so why can’t I? Until you have lived a day in the shoes of anyone struggling with mental illness it might be the furthest thing possible to understand.  It is a “feeling” of unworthiness that I would not wish upon anyone.

Which brings me to today.  I have had to do the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  Reach out to people, some that I haven’t been “friends” with for years. I have had to be honest about the fact that I am 41 years old, unable to take care and manage my affairs adequately and admit that I am drowning in my own internal and external hell.  All of this, while so many of them seem hard working, productive, successful, happy adults with beautiful families and enjoyable lives.  I admire them so much it hurts to think about it, yet alone write it down. In many ways, I feel like a child yearning, striving, literally starting over to grow up and become just like them; a child at 40, adult by 50? The beauty is I’m inspired and motivated to grow and re-learn so many things. The downside of this is accepting how much of my life I have wasted.  The mistakes, the consequences lead to the final cleansing of who I am as a person and who I want to be. 

For now, I am committed to this journey.  I humbly thank those that continue to love and support me. And I forgive those that lack the understanding to tolerate more than they have already endured. Finally, I continue to work to forgive myself, let go, and heal.

On another note, I have decided to create a separate Blog that will specifically focus on health, weight loss and all of the emotions and barriers surrounding that.  With that Blog, I can recommend items that are more fitness specific.  It also gives me more accountability as I strive to get back to some semblance of pre-baby weight.  I have about 18 years to work with! Look for that to come. 

I will use the forum to focus more on the mental health issues, trauma and the consequences of one’s actions for both myself and to those around me, forgiveness, and the joy of starting over.