Monday, May 21, 2012

Keep the faith

I have always struggled with religion and spirituality.  I've mentioned in past posts my experience with molestation and rape as a child.  I have always questioned my Native American spirituality based on these occurrences happening during a time when my parents were being mentored and guided by their spiritual guide.  And I was never really nurtured to pursue my interest in Christianity because my father left his Catholic roots before I was born.  I have dabbled and explored many forms of religion and I read the Bible in my youth because I wanted to know what everyone was talking about, but finding God has often alluded me because I questioned why HE was never there to protect me.  Without even knowing it, I think I have been more angry with God/Grandfather/Lord/Christ/Higher Power than I had ever even realized.  It hasn't been until very recently that I have realized that He has always been there and my questioning of Faith was more my questioning of "self" than anything else.

I consider myself open minded and I never wanted to be locked into a certain group because I am drawn to so many different aspects of many different religions.  So many things have been happening the past few weeks that it has become very clear to me that "fate" has intervened on more than one occasion and the common denominator is that no matter what your belief system, "FAITH" will get you through it.  It seems such a simple concept.  For me, it all goes back to forgiveness.  Forgive myself, forgive others and forgive God.  He has always had a path for me, even through the hardest moments.  It wasn't that He wasn't there, it is that He was holding me in his hands to help me get through it.

I won't spend many posts focusing on religion.  I believe we all have our right to believe in whatever feels good for us.  I will say that no matter who or what you "believe", the power of prayer is so important.  When you are going through those tough times, please allow yourselves the time to be still, to meditate and to ask for the answers you need.  They will come to you with a little faith.  With that said, God spoke to me on Saturday morning.  No lie.  It was like nothing I have ever felt or known in my life.  It doesn't change the struggle. It does give me more strength than I ever realized I had.  And, I know, without a doubt that I have many angels around me that have been put in my path to to forge ahead.

Friday, May 18, 2012

And you see what?

An interesting thing has happened over the past few days.... the worse that I have felt about myself the more I have heard from people telling me how courageous I am, how much they admire me and how much they believe in me.  Ironically, the more I hear it the more self doubt I automatically have.  I had a complete meltdown yesterday and could not stop crying.  All I could think about was how so many of my bad decisions had negatively affected my family---my children, my husband.  Yet, they stay; they continue to have faith in me.  I kept asking Greg, why he stayed with me.  Why, why, WHY???  The more I asked the more frustrated he became because no matter how many times and how many different ways he told me how much he loved me and how he knows that I am working as hard as I can to get "healthy", I just couldn't hear it.  It makes absolutely no sense to me.

I had a conversation with a friend from the past and she told me that she had always admired me.  Me?? It's a concept I can't wrap my brain around. Especially because I always had looked up to her.  I wanted to BE her.  She possessed everything that I felt I didn't have. Though we were friends we were not that close in high school--she was and is so pretty, so nice, so....good.  And, I, well, I was just the opposite.  At least that was how I viewed myself then, and now.  I appreciate her words so much.  And the words of so many others.  I just wish that I believed it as wholeheartedly as they do.

Between my husband, my children, my friends; you would think that getting past this mental block would be so much easier than it is.  Just when I feel like I am making progress, it is as if I have to start all over again.  Another friend reminded me that "depression lies".  Finding the truth in the lies that your mind is telling you is the challenge.  I'm working on it--every day.  A work in progress.  Today, I feel like the canvas is blank---ish.  Now I can re-write the beliefs I have about myself.  It's exciting and frightening all at the same time. But, its a start.  And today I realized that I am surrounded by AMAZING friends--near and far; old and new.  And that says something about me.

Greg said it best yesterday. When pressed to come up with a different answer than "I love you" as to why he stays with me.  He said, "you have an aura about you that I can't live without.  you draw the best out of me, the best out of everyone around you.  the more you push me away, the more you refuse to see the beauty in you, the more you make me want to be a better man. you are more powerful than you even know." Thank you, Greg...thank you friends...thank you God.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

And another day...

I wish so much that this process of Blogging about my experience was not as difficult as it is.  Just as I think I am strong enough to allow myself some vulnerability, it is as if something inside me completely shuts down.  As of late, I have had to explain myself more often that I wish to and that alone has caused me more anxiety than I can handle on most days.  Honesty and integrity is important for my recovery.  I only wish that my honesty did not include so many things that I am not proud of.  Some have described me as a “compulsive liar”.  Am I a liar or am I just protecting myself in the only way I know how? When I do tell the truth about all of the lies, I am told that I am “making excuses” or blaming “everything and anyone else but myself”.  So telling the truth is “making excuses?” At this stage of the game it often seems counterintuitive to be honest as I’m not believable anyway.  Depression and trauma are hard to explain to those that have never lived in the “dark”. I can see how it would look like I just need to pull myself together, get over it and start living up to my obligations.  Other people can do it so why can’t I? Until you have lived a day in the shoes of anyone struggling with mental illness it might be the furthest thing possible to understand.  It is a “feeling” of unworthiness that I would not wish upon anyone.

Which brings me to today.  I have had to do the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  Reach out to people, some that I haven’t been “friends” with for years. I have had to be honest about the fact that I am 41 years old, unable to take care and manage my affairs adequately and admit that I am drowning in my own internal and external hell.  All of this, while so many of them seem hard working, productive, successful, happy adults with beautiful families and enjoyable lives.  I admire them so much it hurts to think about it, yet alone write it down. In many ways, I feel like a child yearning, striving, literally starting over to grow up and become just like them; a child at 40, adult by 50? The beauty is I’m inspired and motivated to grow and re-learn so many things. The downside of this is accepting how much of my life I have wasted.  The mistakes, the consequences lead to the final cleansing of who I am as a person and who I want to be. 

For now, I am committed to this journey.  I humbly thank those that continue to love and support me. And I forgive those that lack the understanding to tolerate more than they have already endured. Finally, I continue to work to forgive myself, let go, and heal.

On another note, I have decided to create a separate Blog that will specifically focus on health, weight loss and all of the emotions and barriers surrounding that.  With that Blog, I can recommend items that are more fitness specific.  It also gives me more accountability as I strive to get back to some semblance of pre-baby weight.  I have about 18 years to work with! Look for that to come. 

I will use the forum to focus more on the mental health issues, trauma and the consequences of one’s actions for both myself and to those around me, forgiveness, and the joy of starting over.