Today, I have had some time to reflect. I am overwhelmed by the amount of support that I have received from my last post and re-launch. I have heard the term, “courageous” several times. I am grateful for this moniker but find it amusing at the same time, as brave is often the very last thing I feel. So much of my recovery has been letting go of fear. Fear is a state of being that I feel the most comfortable in. With fear comes survival and my instinct is always to survive no matter what the cost. This has proven to get me in more trouble and damage more relationships than it is worth. But it is and has been my “normal”. Stability feels as far from secure as one can get. The less chaotic life seems the more I feel a loss of control. I feed on chaos. But, no one can really live when there life is constantly in disarray. Instability breeds insecurity and insecurity will inevitably be the catalyst to one bad choice too many.
So, yeah… chaos! But, outlook is good with the proper treatment, so I remain hopeful and inspired. So, if I am to be called “courageous”, I will accept that. Based on where I am at today, I know that I am just knocking on the door. The true test of any courage I might possess is still yet to come.