Monday, March 12, 2012

I am not afraid

On September 28th, 2011, I hurt myself…. Badly.  Purposefully.  I wanted to die.  In retrospect, I am still not clear as to whether my intention was to actually go through with something so final.  I wrote a message to my children asking for their forgiveness, yet I called and/or messaged two people who I knew or at least hoped would respond to my cries for help.  In the end, the intention regardless of the result was clear.  I have the scars on my wrists and the scars on the hearts of both myself and my family’s heart(s) to prove it. 

The immediate consequence; I ended up in the mental hold unit for about a week.  In that week, I missed one of my best friend’s weddings, I lost the trust of my nuclear family and I may have permanently lost my parents and siblings.  However, I did find something more important than any of those losses.  I found a piece of myself.  I discovered the how and why I operate and have lived the life I have lead.  And I recognized that my road to recovery was going to be the hardest and potentially the longest road I have ever had to commit to. 

My diagnosis: PTSD with major depression; Borderline Personality Disorder and Adjustment Disorder.  What does this mean?  This is the beginning of my journey to find myself and to understand my place with mental illness.  Some might ask why I am going public with this now.  My answer… because I have lived my life pretending to be something I am not, desperately trying to cling on to whatever it is that I think others are expecting from me.  I am a chameleon and my life and the reactions of some have proved, that no one, not even myself, has ever known who I really am.  The authentic me; The woman I now am and am supposed to be, free of those many parts that lurk within; that sabotage and destroy, manipulate and confuse.

Yesterday, I woke up and wanted to die.  Really die; for the first time since my attempt in September, these feelings overwhelmed me. Events that followed only solidified these feelings to the point where my husband had to enter into a safety contract where I had to promise with him and medical professionals that I would not hurt myself.  I am OK now. Today I am strong... but now more than ever, I am driven to publicly acknowledge my journey so that hopefully I can help someone, anyone else living with this.  

I have started this Blog before but without really knowing the true intention.  My intention now is clear.  I am going to share with all of you my journey on living with mental illness, the consequences of actions, the stigma associated with it and the daily battle to find some sense of normalcy in a world that does not fit or really understand the chaos within those struggling with these disorders.  

I have lived in fear my entire life; protecting this secret to my detriment.  I will no longer be afraid.  I am not afraid. I am not afraid.

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