Wednesday, July 20, 2011


What is love?  I was told today that "love is trust and trust is love".  If that is the case then if trust is broken between two people and they choose to continue in a relationship, do they no longer love each other? Is love lost or dormant until trust is regained?  In my opinion it is not fair to tell anyone that you no longer love them until trust is earned.  That is a lot of pressure for me and for you.  I was also told that "love doesn't act like you in the worst of circumstances."  What does this mean exactly?  Is it that I don't know how to love even in the worst times or is that ANYthing in the worst circumstances, is better than the kind of love that I can give?  Either way, I don't think this statement is very nice.  In fact, it might be construed as being mean.  Regardless, I disagree.  I'm not sure that I know how to love in the same way as anyone else.  Truth be told it is hard for me.  Love for me has always been wrought with strings and consequences and it has usually ended with a clean break.  But, I do believe I love my children, I love my family, I love my friends and I love my husband.  Unconditionally.  Does this mean, that any or all of these people can't or haven't hurt me?  No.  They have.  And I have hurt them too.  It happens in life.  We are all human.  We all have weaknesses and we all are searching for acceptance at some level.  But to say that I don't know how to love makes me only think that the person telling me this does not know how to love themselves.

There was a lot of violence in my home growing up.  There was alcohol. There were other "funny things".  It was the 70's, after all!  It was a different time, a different generation.  There was not much concern over what was happening to children in their homes.  It was a time of "spare the rod, spoil the child."  In my home, that "rod" was never far away from me.  My dad traveled a lot for business in the early years.  I don't know that I ever really understand where he went or why he had to leave.  All I remember is he seemed to be gone a lot.  This must have been stressful for my mom.  She married young, under her own duress, escaping from a life that she did not want.  Reservation life is hard, poverty is rampant, alcoholism prevailed and violence was not unexpected.  She must have felt that life with my father would save her somehow.  But, from my perspective, any demons she was running from followed her, tortured her, in fact, and if I was perhaps meant to be the one that could have saved her.... I sadly wasn't.   I sadly am not.  What I do know is that regardless of anything that happened, I always loved my parents.  I desperately loved them and was loyal to them to a fault.  I would have done anything to protect them.  Even now, my greatest fear is that somehow just writing this will hurt them.  They do not deserve judgment by me or anyone else.  Yet, whether it is fair or not or karmic intervention, I was born to write.  And my destiny has always been to tell my story.  Perhaps that is why my life has unfolded as it has.   I am compelled to tell my story.  And just maybe my story can inspire someone.

But, I digress... What is love??  I do know that to love you have to trust.  I do know that I don't trust many people.  I do know that I have broken trust with those I love.  But no matter how many ways I look at it I don't believe that "love doesn't act like me in the worst circumstances." I believe that by the grace of God, I am blessed to still be able to love YOU in the worst of circumstances.  And that my friends is the definition of love that I choose to live by.

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