Thursday, July 21, 2011

Getting Organized

Today was spent plowing through my organized chaos.  As I try and make sense of who I am and where I am going, it is becoming increasingly more important that I find some type of organization in my life.  I have found that if I make myself a list, I can more readily set short term goals.  There is nothing better than drawing that line through something on the list.  It's the smallest sense of accomplishment at times that seem to make a huge impression.  This past year has been markedly extreme in it's highs and lows.  2 years ago I lost my job, shortly thereafter I became sick again with a recurring illness.  Following that was months of treatment, surgery, medication and more surgery.  On top of that we found ourselves caught in the infamous economic downturn.  Needless to say with medical bills escalating our financial situation was taking a hit.  A hard hit.  In November of last year we had to make the decision to downsize.  And though, we are happy with our move, it has been a huge adjustment.  With pride constantly at our heals, we have had to turn to family and friends just to keep afloat on more than one occasion.  As if that was not enough, we have either sold or returned each of our vehicles in order to justify any spending as we begin the process of rebuilding ourselves.  Starting over with a pending  bankruptcy we often find ourselves grateful for just the smallest things.  A bike ride with my daughter, barbecue's with friends, freshly brewed coffee on the front porch as the sun rises, picking cherries from our tree.  Even the internet has been a blessing!  Who knew?? It is true that you do not really appreciate what you have until it's gone.  But, even in our darkest times, we continue to recognize our blessings.  Illness can make or break a family and with gratitude I stand proud in that my family has come together, made sacrifices and stands stronger than before.

With all that I have been through in this life, the main reason for this journey that I'm on, is that though I know what it means to survive, I am just learning what it means to LIVE.  Anyone who has had struggles, and we all have, know what I'm talking about.  It is very easy to get bogged down in the "woe is me" mentality, to live like a victim.  Living this way gets you nowhere.  It is easier, however, to live in the chaos, than it is to live without it.  At least for me.  In essence that has been my addiction.  As we rebuild our lives, I feel like I am re-learning the most basic processes.  Get up, breathe, stretch, be, function, breathe, live, breathe, repeat.

As a child, I was highly organized, almost to a fault.  Everything had to be in its place and if it wasn't I would notice.  I remember coloring in a Rocky and Bullwinkle coloring book and if I colored outside of the lines, I would tear the paper out with a vengeance, throw it to the ground and start over.  This strive for perfection became my nemesis and ultimately as I got older, lead to a multitude of issues, one being a fairly serious eating disorder throughout high school.  It wasn't until I married my husband that this obsessive compulsiveness disappeared.  Being forced to have witness to all of my darkness, to any open wounds, figuratively and literally made it less important to arrange my life in perfect order.  However, it still is not working.  Organized chaos and disorganized chaos end with the same result.  Very little forward movement.

So, I have my list.  And, though my to-do pile is higher than I would like, I have set a goal to trudge through it and resolve each and every piece of paper by months end.  Organization is key.  I will get there.  I've already accomplished a few things, one being this blog!  Launch blog.  Done!  YES!!  Cross it off the page.... It does feel good.  Even the smallest accomplishment makes me feel grand!

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